The 13 Reasons I Owe Democrats an Apology

Posted: Mar 03, 2015 1:10 AM

I owe Democrats an apology. Flipping through some of my hate mail (I lead a tremendously exciting life, as you can see) it dawned on me that it’s quite possible conservatives are a little too hard on our liberal friends. (Also: I’m trolling for more hate mail.) And so, with reserved humility, I sat down with a drink (less than 32 ounces) and a pen, and made a list of things for which we conservatives ought to apologize. It’s the least I can do:

I am sorry about labeling Net Neutrality “broadband-socialism”. Clearly my distrust in the folks who brought us Obamacare is wildly unfounded. Giving regulatory authority to a group of bureaucratic union workers who couldn’t even devise an adequate website is a splendid approach to ensuring a “free and open” internet.

I’m sorry for my staunch support of firearm rights. It’s obviously a gross miscalculation to assume that empowering the defenseless with the same tools that “won the West” would somehow save lives. After all, cops are usually called to the scene of a crime because of their dashing uniforms, and not because they have the tools necessary to eliminate violent threats.

I’m sorry for denying women the right to choose. While I have no problem with them smoking, drinking high capacity sodas, protecting their family with a firearm (there I go again), or electing to raise a family instead of following a career, I have unfairly denied to recognize their right to kill an unborn child out of convenience. I’m clearly a monster.

I’m sorry for my defense of Israel. Supporting the one truly democratic state in the Middle East is an obvious blunder of biblical proportions. In my blinding support for America’s most ardent ally, I somehow forgot what a paradise the rest of the Middle East is for homosexuals, minority religions, apostates, women, and outsiders.

I’m sorry for my support of the Iraq War. It’s obviously much better now that we have left.

I’m sorry for my racism. I always thought that belonging to the party of Martin Luther King Jr. was an intrinsically decent thing to do, but you have obviously convinced me otherwise. I guess the last 140 years of systematic racism within the Democrat Party was merely a fluke, right?

I’m sorry for opposing higher taxes. Our patriotism is obviously articulated by the size of the check we send to the IRS on April 15th. (By the way, has anyone heard from Al Sharpton’s tax attorney?)

I’m sorry for ignoring Al Gore’s claim that the North Pole would be completely melted by the year 2014. Despite the last 18 years of stagnant temperatures, and increasingly worrisome scandals from the environmental movement, the cult science of Global Warming is obviously settled. (Heck, Boston is literally buried in it right now.)

Likewise, I am sorry for my unintended shilling of Koch-sponsored energy production, like the Keystone XL Pipeline. While Warren Buffett’s method of transporting crude in safety-deficient (environmentally unfriendly) trains might not be quite as safe as a low-emission pipelines, we clearly can’t allow big business to employ tens of thousands of Americans in an attempt to lower energy prices. I’m sure without the Keystone XL, Canada and America will gleefully abandon their ambitions of extracting the cheap and reliable energy underneath our feet in exchange for blotting the landscape with overpriced solar panels and windmills.

I’m sorry I drive a Jeep Rubicon. The Chevy Volt is obviously a tremendously capable golf cart for Colorado weather. I’m sure the spontaneous combustion would keep me warm when it’s stuck in two feet deep snow.

I’m sorry for not embracing Obamacare. The idea of handing my healthcare over to the same bureaucracy that decided to harass conservative non-profits is a logical progression of American capitalism. Judging by Amtrak, the Postal Service, the DMV, Obamacare, Dodd-Frank, and pretty much anything else blessed by the government’s Midas touch, this should be a thrilling experiment in innovation and entrepreneurial enterprise.

I’m sorry for generally defending the concept of limited government, Constitutional adherence, and relatively free market capitalism. None of those things had anything to do with America’s rise as a leader of innovation and entrepreneurship throughout the 20th Century.

And lastly, I’m sorry for my refusal to “fundamentally transform” after Barack Obama’s election. Regrettably, I find it hard to stop clinging to guns, religion, and antipathy toward people who feel inclined to tear down the individualistic culture of American exceptionalism.

I truly hope you embrace these apologies in the spirit with which they were intended. And I further apologize for my inability to eradicate sarcasm from my intellectual repertoire. I guess I’ve grown to enjoy it just a little too much.