Who Would Have Guessed that Santa was a Republican?

Posted: Dec 12, 2014 12:10 AM

I have given it many hours of thought (no… I have nothing better to do with my time), and I am convinced that Kris Kringle is (undoubtedly) a member of the Republican Party.

Wait! Hear me out! He may not be a Gadsden-flag-waving member of the tea party, but he definitely belongs to the NRA and votes a solidly Republican ticket. (He might have voted for JFK once, but that was primarily because of Kennedy’s tax policy.) Here’s the reasoning:

For starters, the Jolly Old Elf decided to set up shop in one of the most barren, and desolate, corners of the globe. (No… I’m not talking about Detroit.) In addition to the Arctic’s plentiful supply of recoverable oil, it has advantages that would - stereotypically speaking - be attractive to Republican businessmen: It’s basically one freezing-cold tax haven. Yeah… Mr. Claus is probably the guy who started the whole “tax inversion” method to avoid Uncle Sam’s revenuers.

In addition to lawfully avoiding taxes by setting up his headquarters in a foreign land, the North Pole has few, if any, enforceable labor laws. Given the historic absence of ill-timed “elf strikes”, it seems reasonable to assume that he has disallowed his workforce to unionize.

Furthermore, his overall appearance and living habits seem to coincide with just about every liberally applied Republican stereotype. He’s clearly a wealthy individual, given his operation’s overall lack of profit sources or revenue streams. Like the “far right” of the Republican Party, he is a deeply religious man. (It’s not too much of a stretch to assume he’s also pro-life… After all, Saint Nicholas is the Patron Saint of Children; and he does seem to be rather found of the one night per year that the world celebrates the birth of Jesus Christ.)

The list goes on… I’m sure his boots are not made from “pleather”. Don’t try to tell me that his suit is “faux fur”. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if he went caribou hunting with Sara Palin during his off-season. And his diet of milk and cookies seems to suggest that he wouldn’t be a big fan of Michael Bloomberg’s trans-fat ban, or Michelle Obama’s anti-obesity campaign.

Didn’t Santa also smoke a pipe? (Or was that only when he wasn’t lighting up a Lucky Strike for a 1950’s zippo commercial?) What do you want to bet he smokes in his shop rather than stepping outside (in -45 degree weather) to indulge in his Cavendish tobacco habit? Given his penchant for nicotine consumption, it doesn’t seem like he’d be a big fan of the indoor smoking ban.

And let’s not forget that he gives coal to the bad kids… Hardly environmentally conscious.

Now, I know what you’re thinking… The red suit, far from representing the color of his favorite political party, actually represents his communist tendencies. After all, he flies around the world giving hand-outs and freebies. He has “socialist” plastered all over his actions, right?

Well… Not exactly. To begin with, Old Saint Nick doesn’t redistribute gifts on Christmas Eve. It’s not as if he takes a few presents from the rich kid’s house (just enough to constitute the affluent child’s “fair share”) and gives them to a couple underprivileged children. In fact, he only gives gifts to kids who have earned his affection through good behavior. He actually instills in children the conservative principle of responsibility and reward.

And that’s not even to mention his gift selection. Almost everyone I know, at least once, received a BB gun, .22 rifle, or 20 gauge shotgun from the man in red. All the guns I got from Mr. Claus also included an invitation to join the NRA, so I’d have to say he’s a supporter. (And it really wouldn’t be too surprising to find out that he packs a .38 for self-defense, given that his job will often take him to some unsavory parts of town.)

If all the above fails to convince you that the Jolly Old Elf and I share the same party affiliation, consider this: As he rides his sleigh (pulled by nothing less than a species of endangered reindeer) into the Christmas Eve sky, he raises a hand and shouts out “Merry Christmas to all! According to our friends over at Slate.com, MSNBC, and the Democrat side of the aisle, that’s not very politically correct.

The best part about Santa? Unlike the up-tight liberals who currently control the Democrat Party, he seems to have a sense of humor.

Merry Christmas… And vote Republican.