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Heil Harvard!
OPINION

Sixty Years Ago, Hollywood Knew What a Woman Was

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.
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Have you ever seen the TV show “The Beverly Hillbillies”?  It was popular in the 1960s, so you young whippersnappers would have to have caught it on Nickelodeon or some such network. But us old geezers grew up with it, and most of us thought it was a hoot.  Maybe I was naïve at the time, but I never figured Hollywood was slamming southern hillbillies, I thought they were trying to make people laugh and earn a buck.  I may have been right back then, but who knows? 

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Anyway, the show.  Old Jed Clampett was a “poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.  Then one day, he was shootin’ at some food, and up from the ground come a’bubblin’ crude.  Oil, that is.  Black gold.  Texas tea.”

“Well, the first thing you know, old Jed’s a millionaire.  The kinfolks said, ‘Jed, move away from there!’  Said Californy is the place you oughta’ be, so they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly.  Hills, that is.  Swimming pools.  Movie stars.”

Those are the words from the title song to the show.  You old timers remember that, don’t you…brings back memories, I’m sure.  

The show was hilarious, the exploits of some backwoods hillbillies among the hoity-toity of Beverly Hills.  But Hollywood never expected the world would change, and that some other old hillbilly (me!) would catch their unwoke, politically incorrect foibles.  

But I did.

Jed had a daughter, Elly May, who was lovely to behold indeed (maybe late teens).  Elly May grew up in those southern hills a tomboy of tomboys.  But now, she was almost “growed” up.  And, after watchin’ Elly whup her cousin Jethro again, Jed decided it was time to have a heart-to-heart talk with his blossoming young daughter:

Jed:  Elly May, you’re gettin’ too big to wrastle with boys.

Elly May:  I ain’t as big as Jethro.

Jed:  I don’t mean big that way, I mean growed up.  You’re a young lady now.  You gotta start mindin’ your manners and fixin’ yourself up real nice and wearin’ dresses.

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Elly May:  Pa, folks would call me a sissy. 

Jed:  Ain’t sissy for girls to act like girls.  You see, Elly, I raised you like a boy, and I was wrong to do it.  I reckon every man would like to have a son and you was my only young’un.  And when your ma passed away, I just decided to turn you into a boy.  By the time Granny come to help out, you was too wild to tame.  By thunder, you could outrun, outclimb, outfight, and outshoot every boy in them hills.

Elly May (smiling):  I still can, Pa.  

Jed:  Yeah, but it ain’t fittin’.  It ain’t right for folks to go against nature.  Now, look at ol’ Duke [the family dog] there. Reckon we could turn him into a cat?

Elly May:  Course not.

Jed:  That’s right.  ‘Cause nature made him into a dog. Just the same way nature made you into a girl.  Lately, she’s gettin’ more and more positive about it….

Oooops…

A VERY unwoke talk with his blossoming daughter. (From the 2nd episode, “Getting Settled,” “The Beverly Hillbillies,” 1963).

A question:  Who has changed, Hollywood or women?

Sixty years ago, even Hollywood thought it knew the difference between a man and a woman (not to mention a dog and a cat).  But how dare Jed Clampett tell his daughter she can’t be a boy?

Of course, nowadays Jed would say something like this:  “Elly, you are obviously not a woman because you can outrun, outshoot, etc. every boy in them southern hills.  You aren’t a ‘tomboy,’ you are a boy.  So, we need to change your name to Billy Bob, and get you down to the hospital right quick so they can whack those parts of you that, um, nature falsely gave you to make you look like a woman…”

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NOW we get the idea.  But it only works for humans.

“Duke, do you want to be a cat?  If you want to be a cat, you can be a cat.”  What if a German Shepherd male wants to become a female Chihuahua?  Or a cat?  Why can’t he do that?  Transpets are real, you know.  

Now, that’s ridiculous, our biologist says, dogs and cats are two different species, and men and woman—um, xe and xer—are humans.  Oh, right.  Human animals can become other kinds of human animals, but dog animals can’t become other kinds of dog animals.  Or animal animals.   Dumb hillbillies.

Umm, how many kinds of humans are there now?  Have they finished counting yet?  Can I be whichever one I want to be?

Nature is obviously dumber than our modern, woke biologist.  Lately, nature had become “more and more positive” about Elly bein’ a woman.  Ah, what does nature know compared to the modern woke “scientist.”  And Supreme Court justice. Nature has only been around forever.

Our Supreme Court justice isn’t a biologist, so she doesn’t know what a woman is.  I wonder if she thinks she might be a man.  Folks, I’m not a vet, but I know what a dog is.  I’m not a botanist, but I know what a tree is.  I’m not a bull, but I know what a cow is.

I’m not a psychiatrist, either, but I know what an idiot is, too.

Well, Jed moved to the right place, that’s for sure.  California is now a “sanctuary state” for such, um, organisms.  Elly May… Billy Bob…should feel right at home.

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Dumb Hollywood.  Thinking that a woman is a woman.  And that by nature.  

Has America gone in a more intelligent, scientific, moral direction the last 60 years?  

Check out my new Substack for articles and podcasts at mklewis929.substack.com.  Free signup. My third Rob Conners western novel, Return to River Bend, is now available (Kindle version only). Purchase it, along with Whitewater and River Bend, on Amazon, B&N, and Eliva.com.   Allie’s Dilemma is also available on Kindle only.   Also search YouTube “mark kevin lewis” for my Bible commentary videos.  Twitter: @thailandmkl

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