I warned you! It’s kind of hilarious, but a lot of folks don’t realize that the current number one candidate to win the Democratic nomination in 2028 is… not Gavin Hairstyle… not Alfred E. Buttigieg… not Jupiter B. Pritzker… not even Josh “Yeah Right, Democrats Are Gonna Nominate A Jewish Guy Who Won’t Apologize For It” Shapiro. It’s Kamala Harris. No, really, I’m serious.
“That’s crazy talk, Kurt. Why are you so crazy with your talking?”
I’m not crazy. The Democrats aren’t crazy, either – they are stupid and evil. I’m not giving them the insanity out – they need to own the sorry and degraded state to which they have devolved. But as wacky as it would seem to an outside observer, Kamala is not just in the mix. She’s at the top of it – she’s the froth on a defeat latte, and Democrats are about to gulp it down.
If you have doubts, that’s because you’re normal. After all, a normal person looks at Kamala Harris and sees a Chardonnay-sodden, cackling quarter-wit with a proven track record of failure. She not only famously lost the last election, but did so in such a way that, in a sensible party, she would be exiled to the political equivalent of Greenland before it became part of the United States.
Her first and most important decision in the 2024 election was legendarily dumb. She picked Tim Walz to be her running mate when she could’ve picked Josh Shapiro. I guess she had to nail down Minnesota for the Democrats rather than the swingiest of swing states, Pennsylvania. And more than that, her remarkable judgment led her to think that that mincing weirdo was going to win over all those male-identifying males who the Democrats have been disrespecting for the last few decades. Within the first couple of weeks, Governor Jazz Hands was revealed as a deployment-dodging, ChiCom-canoodling, show tunes-belting dork whose video antics trying to load a shotgun were the funniest thing to come out of his godforsaken freezer of a state until the recent video of Mogadishu West Mayor Jacob Frey pretending to enjoy forcing down a bowl of festering Somali swill. Of course, recently Tampon Tim was so wrapped up in the Somali fraud scandal he overlooked – putting it charitably – that he had to drop out of the race for reelection. That’s the guy she picked.
You had one job, Kamala, and you blew it – so to speak.
Her general election gaffes were the stuff of legend, including her inability to list even one thing she would’ve done differently from the human eggplant prior president, who held on to the power for as long as he possibly could, at least in part, because he absolutely knew his understudy would fumble the general election. Further, her campaign strategy was built on the reasonable notion that the more exposure human beings had to her, the more repelled they would be by her. She therefore avoided normal human beings and avoided interviews, and while this definitely hurt her campaign – Trump was everywhere, talking to everyone and doing hilarious and fun things like driving a garbage truck and working the McDonald’s drive-thru – one wonders if Kamala would’ve performed even worse with more exposure.
Signs point to yes. She comes off as stupid and annoying, which is a direct consequence of her being stupid and annoying.
But none of that matters because she’s a woman-identifying person of color. End of discussion. No, really, that’s it. That’s enough to win the election against the pale people o’ pallor who are her competition.
Every once in a while, somebody puts up a picture of her on Twitter and rants about how great it would be if she were president and not that mean old Donald Trump. This is either a result of people being stupid or thinking you are stupid. In fact, the biggest critics of Kamala Harris have always been other Democrats. They know she’s just an empty pantsuit that’s filled up with Franzia and commie nonsense.
But she’s got that black thing going, and that double X chromosome thing, too, and don’t underestimate those. After all, this is the Democrat Party. Besides her unequivocal willingness to perform any act of submission to the pagan pinko gods, those are the only things that matter. She’s black and female, and that gives her a massive advantage because that’s all her party cares about.
Gavin Newsom is a white guy, the Patrick Bateman of the West Coast. That’s not going to go over with the Democrat base real well, although there are professional Democrat voices who are pretty much saying, “Hey, we gotta stop this nonsense with the naggy chicks and get us a white guy, or we will never win again.” But you’ve got to understand who really matters in the Democrat Party. It’s not the pros; it’s the activists and black women, and neither of those groups is going to pass over a BIPOC uterus-haver in favor of a rich boy who is about as ethnic as a Romney.
The activists want somebody who’s literally too stupid and weak to oppose them when their idiocy gets too alienating for normal people. A guy like Gavin Newsom has an animal cunning that allows him to realize that there’s a line that regular people are not going to cross. He can fake moderation. Kamala can’t. She’ll recognize Hamas is the true government of Israel. She’ll give back Iran the bomb. She’ll hand over Taiwan to the Chinese and the Philippines, too. She won’t even bother with plausible deniability when she throws the border back open. When the activists rub the bottle, a gaseous Kamala floats out, manifests, and announces, “Your wish is my command.”
The black women, who have an outsized role in the party, just love her, and with South Carolina likely to be the first contest in the primary, they will be decisive in picking the nominee. Who’s going to compete with her gyn-noir bona fides? Pete Buttigieg is running about zero percent with black voters, a number that frankly seems a little high. The same with JB Pritzker – what’s the argument for this guy? “Sure, he’s not white, and he presumably has a penis in there somewhere, but on the plus side, he’s enormously fat?”
And Josh Shapiro? Yeah, the activists are going to just love a guy who opposes “Holocaust II: Electric Boogaloo.” Likewise, I’m sure all those black Democrat women – as well as the sexually frustrated white wine women – would just love somebody who’s Jewish in the sense that he practices Judaism.
In case you don’t understand me, I’m saying that antisemitism is a key component of the modern Democrat Party. Our side may be stuck with the occasional dummies like Candace Owens, but their antisemites are the rule and not the exception.
Now, according to one poll, Kamala Harris is leading at 33 percent, and in others, she’s also doing well. JD Vance seems to think she’s the likely nominee at this point, suggesting that it’s a fight between her and Brylcreem Boy to determine “the dumbest candidate.” Commentator Mark Halperin has her in the mix as well. But the most important take is from Kamala herself. She seems to believe that her book tour was a gigantic success and that she isn’t the ridiculous buffoon that she obviously is. Her ego and raw appetite for striving will push her into the race. Of course, this time she’s on her own. At every other juncture in her life, she’s been given political gigs by more powerful men pursuant to various arrangements. But no one will give her this one. She’s got to go take it, and that’s the problem for her. While she’s well-positioned to win the nomination thanks to her immutable genetic characteristics, she’s got a couple of big disadvantages.
She’s an idiot, and she’s a loser. But then, she’s a Democrat, so maybe they’re actually advantages.
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