By now, we will know how Iowa turned out. But let us turn our eyes to behold Chris Christie (R-Golden Corral) as he finally waddles offstage. His Hindenburgian rise and fall provide important lessons for Republicans, as well as the opportunity to make more fat jokes.
And on a lighter note, which is literally any other note in the universe, the new Godzilla movie is sensational and I make really good oven ribs. Yeah, I know a lot of you will not believe either of those things but hear me out.
Lessons Of A Loser
Chris Christie, the GOP’s Great White Bulk, was not pursued by a fearsome nemesis like his second cousin Moby. He was harpooned by himself and his choices. I am old, meaning I remember 15 years ago, and when he came on the scene and won the New Jersey governorship, that was incredible. He was a straight-talking guy who did not take establishment guff. Remind you of anyone else living across the river from him who would later ride that vibe to the White House?
So why did he fall from the lofty heights of a decade and a half ago? To start with, his actions did not keep up with his image. He did not perform. He was okay as governor, but eventually he was practicing the same kind of crap the voters were tired of – Bridgegate, anyone? That was one thing. The other was his terrible political instincts. He did not run in 2012 when he might have had a shot (a governor has a window to run, which is why DeSantis had to take his shot.
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But his worst problem was that he did not seem to like the GOP base. He was soft on the issues we cared about, like guns and abortion, and was not shy about telling us we were wrong. He did not read the room – you do not go hug Barak Obama, dummy. When he finally ran in 2016, he was OK at tripping up folks like the hapless Marco Rubio but he made no compelling argument for why conservatives – in a conservative party, they matter – should give him a shot. He did not seem to care about them or their concerns. Trump did, and people felt it.
I remember I was at CPAC and Christie was one of the very, very few speakers I actually went out of my way to watch because I thought he was announcing and would wow the crowd and get some momentum. Nope. He waddled up to the podium and gave the most listless, cliché-filled GOP speech this side of the annual Women’s Republican Alliance of Secaucus dinner. Cut taxes for rich guys, flags, thank you for your service, help corporations and eagles…did I mention flags? He had no interest in what we had interest in. He still doesn’t. His whole campaign was about telling ~50% of the GOP that they are stupid and bad for liking Donald Trump.
There’s no lane for that, to the extent he could fit in one. While the media loves a Republican who hates Republicans, Republicans do not.
Christie had some talent, and an opportunity. He whiffed. A lesson to all pols.
Godzilla Is Back
Speaking of giant monsters, a few weeks ago I wrote about my beef with the laming of Godzilla, that fabulous and fun monster from my youth. I had not yet seen “Godzilla Minus One,” the latest flick. Well, I did, and it was incredible.
See, the secret to a great genre B-movie is not to treat it like a genre B-movie. You put in quality actors, get a quality script, a good story, solid production values, and also treat the material with respect. You have seen this before. “The Godfather” is really a crime melodrama. “Silence of the Lambs” is a slasher movie. “Heat” is cops and robbers. But they rise above the material – while still delivering the genre goods, i.e., violence and sex. Well, “Godzilla Minus One” does that (without the sex – it is actively chaste). You have a real story with real characters, well-acted and produced, oh and there’s also this forty story reptile walking around smashing Tokyo.
They spent a fraction of what Disney will spend on “Superguy v. Punchdude: Spandex Wars,” but it is all up there on the screen. It looks great, and the story is compelling. It would be good without Godzilla, but Godzilla – who is scary instead of campy – makes it great.
Kurt gives it four stars.
Rib Master K Speaks
Okay, I know that smoking ribs is optimal. I know you want to do them on a grill. But you know, sometimes time is short. I have perfected my rib process for relatively fast ribs that are just like I like them – a bit firm but still tasty. And I use the oven.
I know you’re crying now and I do not care. Hear me out. We all do not have the time – or a smoker – to prep and tend a smoker.
Get a rack of ribs. Make them meaty. Rip off the membrane in the back (I get the butcher to do it because while pork is relatively cheap compared to beef, it is still pink gold and the butcher can earn is money, damnit).
Dry it off. Okay, now cover it with your favorite rub. I use a salt and pepper mixture. I used to use this incredible stuff a fan sent me until I finally ran out of it (Fans often send me stuff – thanks to the Wyoming People’s Republic fans who sent me “Irresponsible Coffee”). Anyway, get it on there and let it sit for a couple hours if you can, though it’s not necessary.
Now, wrap it in foil then stick it int the oven at 275 for 2.5 to 3.5 hours. Go off and read my new book or something. Then come back and take it out and open it up. Brush on some BBQ sauce – I find a lot of premade stuff is tepid so I spike it with some apple cider vinegar and mustard.
Now, stick it back in under a 500 degree broil, cooking the bottom until the sauce starts crusting. Be careful, do not let it burn, which it will do very quickly. Flip the rack and let the top broil. Then take it out and let it sit for a couple minutes. Amazingly food for the amount of work invested.
You may share your insights via my super-secret email below. I welcome your comments and your incessant whining about how I speak pork heresy.
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