Dumping the libs and their garbage, blue cities – figuratively throwing their junk out on the lawn just in time for the sprinklers to go off – is so tempting and sounds so sweet. If only we could wave a magic wand and make the weirdos, losers, and mutations of the left just go away, along with annoying states like New Jersey. After all, they are pretty much a significantly less hot Amber Heard, and they are figuratively doing to America what she did to Johnny Depp's bed.
Pack your stuff, libs, and get out. You're someone else's problem now.
But as much fun as it is to simply wish our pinko ex would just disappear and that we in red America could buy a Porsche, rent a condo, lose some weight and get some hair plugs, then hook up with an eager actress/model/whatever half our age, that doesn't work out when middle-aged accountants do it, and it won't work out for us if we try it as a country. The devil is in the details, and the details get really, really devilish.
I discuss a national divorce in my most recent non-fiction book, "We'll Be Back: The Fall and Rise of America," but I show the consequences of one in my seventh and latest novel in the "People's Republic" series, the just-released "Inferno." Beyond all the new book's gunplay and shooting – there's a lot – and its cruel mockery of woke, liberal nonsense – there's a lot of that too – "Inferno" gets into the weeds about what happens when you split a country in two.
The answer is not a lot of good.
When was the last time you heard of a happy divorce, especially when the exes have to live next door to each other? And they would – right next door to us. A national divorce means splitting up the country. This state goes blue, that one red. Some places are easy to take – yeah, blues, Chicago is all yours. But what about the rest of Illinois? Once you get out of Beetlejuice's hellhole, you are mostly among normal Americans who like America, know which bathroom to use, and don't murder each other with gleeful abandon. What, are we going to leave them behind the lines?
That's not going to work well, especially when the blue rulers decide to turn blue America into a giant college campus and mandate that everyone sits to pee as a Harrison Bergeron-esque nod toward urination equity.
My "People's Republic" novels, the first one having come out in 2016, all deal with America splitting into red and blue, and these novels have a real problem. I always tried to take reality one step beyond the plausible to satirize the insanity and evil of blue America if it was suddenly unchained to normal – i.e., red – America, and no matter what madnesses I predicted over the last six years, from pronoun laws to social credit scores ("privilege levels"), the reality has always more than caught up. Right now, we have people running our country who think that mutilating kids to conform to their gender delusions is not merely acceptable but something to be celebrated. It's kind of hard for fiction to top that.
There are a lot of logistical problems with splitting up the old United States. How do you handle national defense? What about the national debt? Will the borders between old and new America be open? Can people move between them – hell, we're already seeing a bunch of productive people moving to places like the Free State of Florida, so will red America let them in? Will blue America let them go? We know where the hobos will go – where people will tolerate their depravity, I bet. The blue states almost collectively Nadlered their chinos when four dozen Latinx migrants showed up in Martha's Vineyard. What happens when red America outlaws being an illegal alien or a bum – oh, more about the backlash in a moment – and the illegals and the transients flow into the blue?
In red America, illegal immigration will again be illegal, and the illegals already here illegally will stop getting free money and start getting deported if they don't scoot to the blue states with the "NO HUMAN BEING IS ILLEGAL" signs in their front yards. And the bums, too – no living on the street in red America. Your choices? Jail, rehab, the looney bin, or take this bus ticket to New York City. Oh, and criminals, too – red America will lock them up. Think of a national divorce as a way to unleash the conservative id just as much as it would unleash the leftist id.
But could a red America and a blue America live side by side? Well, when have you known the libs to live and let live? Do you think the blue regions will look at the nightmarish hellscape they have created and say, "Gosh, our neo-socialist garbage policies have failed. Better rethink them"? No. They will blame the racist, sexist, red states, with their Jesus and guns and law and order, and blame us for the blue chaos. Look at what the Democrats claim causes crime in their blue cities now. Is it lax policing, soft judges, lousy unionized schools, or tolerating social pathologies? No. It's that people who don't live there or go there can have guns.
Blue America will fail, and the cause they identify will be red America not failing. Remember, red America's miserable ex would be living right next door. Unless we build a giant wall around ourselves – like most normal people, like you and I, would move to red America in this scenario since we don't want to get hauled off to the reeducation camps by the Thought Police – we are not going to be able to shut out the insanity down the street.
Now, there are stirrings of a backlash. There is an informal separation going on already as normal people move to free states. Their November elections will reject blue nonsense. In the culture, if not geographically, there is already a divorce going on. Do you watch the pinko TV networks? Me neither, but the blue people do. Queen Latifah is…" The Equalizer"? I assume she solves crimes involving microaggressions. A soft divorce is already underway.
But it won't be enough. They cannot let us be. They cannot have our sanity, competence, and happiness providing a devastating counter-example to the mess they are making. Already, sensible Hispanic Americans are moving to our side in droves because they don't want to be ruled by losers. To save their own tenuous grip on power, for they control almost all of our failing institutions at the moment, they must stamp out our uppity resistance. We can see it in the trash FBI arresting innocent abortion protestors, in Silicon Valley moguls trying to control what we say, and in the media trying to otherize normal people while trying to normalize weirds like The Lump running for Senate in Pennsylvania. But these things are not what the strong side does. They are what the weak do when they fear they are losing their grip.
And they are losing their grip. There is not going to be a national divorce. There is going to be a national backlash, a backlash against the stupid, corrupt, and evil ideology of the left. We normal people are not going anywhere. We're not chopping up our country any more than we are going to tolerate these monsters chopping up our little kids. We will not divorce them. We will defeat them. And it will be glorious.
Book seven of my Kelly Turnbull series of conservative action novels set in America after a notional national divorce, "Inferno," is finally out! Catch up with all my action-packed bestsellers, including "People's Republic," "Indian Country," "Wildfire," "Collapse," "Crisis," and "The Split"! And keep up the fight by joining Townhall VIP, including an extra Wednesday column, my weekly "Stream of Kurtiousness" video, and the "Unredacted" podcast!