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My Prediction for 2021 Is Pain

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of
AP Photo/Patrick Semansky

There’s no hoarier cliché than to submit a column full of the predictions as your last column of the year, and since I like my clichés hoary, here’s a column full of my 2021 predictions as my last column of the year. 

I predict pain.

Here are the specifics.

10.  No Krakens. Sorry.

Let’s get this out-of-the-way. I predict President Asterisk will be inaugurated in January despite the massive cheating and incompetence that stole the election from the American people. Yeah, I know it’s not fair or right, but that’s my assessment of what will happen, and if you want smoke blown up your Swalwell, keep walking. While it is 2020, and it is Trump, and therefore anything can happen, I still think it is highly unlikely that any kind of constitutional maneuver or even the most meritorious court challenge is going to validate Donald Trump’s victory in the last election, even though it’s painfully clear that he did win and was only deprived of the victory by a combination of incompetence, scams and outright fraud. And I predict many Americans will refuse to accept this ancient pervert as their president. I know I will never name him without adding an *. I also know I’m not going to rest until the left pays. How about you?

9.  Durham Will Do Nothing

Santa Claus. The Easter Bunny. Durham the Avenger.

Nothing will happen to the real crooks. Nada. Zip. Zilch. What investigations the Asterisk Administration doesn’t order shut down will be closed out without action in the name of “preserving our institutions.” You might think justice and accountability are the best institutional preservatives, but that’s your wacky non-swamp thinking at work. The real answer is to cover it up and blame you for caring. What this will do is make us hate them even more for their corruption, incompetence, and arrogance, if that’s possible. Good. Just remember what Johnny Lydon (née Rotten) sang – anger is an energy. Use it.


8. COVID Will Continue Until We Revolt

Have you noticed that Establishment seems to love this pandemic? And why not? They get to boss the proles around and it sure doesn’t interfere with their pampered lives. They’re doing fine working from their penthouses. They’re still noshing at the French Laundry while the rest of us – at least in the unfree blue states – are trying to survive their idiotic lockdowns. Eventually, maybe, Americans will find their spine and we’ll know it when the first healthy 25-year old doofus without a comorbidity is pulled from his Prius for wearing a mask while alone in his jalopy and is tarred and feathered.

7. Trump Will Leave Twitter

Never underestimate the willingness of a liberal organization to prioritize wokeness over success. Once President Trump leaves office, the countdown is on to cancel him. But they waited too long. Now there are alternative venues to Twitter, like Parler and Clouthub, and when he makes the move, the tsunami will follow.

6. There Will Be A SCOTUS Nomination

One of the libs will leave, probably by choice. No, it won’t be Roberts. He loves his sinecure and he’ll have to be carried out at 93. President Asterisk will nominate some pinko and the fun will begin. Hardest hit: Merrick Garland, who is too conservative for Democrats of 2021, being only a lib and not an outright leftist, will get dissed and dismissed yet again.

5. Woke Won’t Work

Slowly but surely, I think people are getting tired of Woke. None of us signed up to be ruled by a bunch of lachrymose sophomores who burst into tears because we insist they use the right toilet. Even liberals are getting sick of constantly having to navigate a minefield of microaggressions – it’s tiresome to always be worried that someone is going to freak out by your perfectly reasonable behavior. Look for a major star of some sort who is too big to cancel to simply refuse to play along anymore, and that may open the door to others. The SJW emperor truly has no clothes, and the second someone points and laughs at his/her/their shriveled junk, the entire country will join in the well-deserved mockery.


4.  The Murder Turtle Will Be Even More Of A Hero Than Dick “The Savior of Saigon” Blumenthal 

He’s frustrating, sure, but Cocaine Mitch is the most skillful knife fighter/Senate Majority Leader in American history, and whether or not we win in Georgia next week (I think we will, but not enough to put money on it – just don’t be an idiot and refuse to vote if you dwell in the Peach State), he will be our bulwark against the Democrat onslaught. And by “bulwark,” I refer to a strong, implacable defensive fortification, and not that lame blog written by sexually inadequate sissies that is hoping that the end result of 2020’s election is that they can once again round up suckers to pay good money to take their insipid Conservative Inc. cruises.

3.  Ghislaine Maxwell Will Not Kill Herself

Let me put it this way – with what she knows about the carnival of perversions that is our garbage elite, the most bummed guy in the world is her life insurance underwriter.

2.  Trump Will Be A Kingmaker

I have many sources who supply me intriguing info and tidbits of intelligence, and the word on the street about Donald Trump running in 2024 is mixed. I think he will forego it – though I could be very wrong. But that’s for another year’s hack cliché column. This is about 2021, and what’s definitely on the agenda for the POTUS of Our Hearts is some hardcore kingmaking. He will bestow his blessing upon those who demonstrate a willingness to fight the power, and he will belittle the weak and spineless. I could not be happier to having him out there injecting some Vitamin T into the flabby posterior of the GOP.


1.  Grandpa Badfinger Will Not Be President Next New Year’s Eve

No one knows how this desiccated old weirdo will vacate the Oval Office this year, but he surely will. It might be the 25th Amendment. He might wander off while chasing a squirrel. Maybe he’ll make the mistake of digging into that plate of brownies Kamala sends up to the Lincoln Bedroom. One way or another, adios. Tick tock, the countdown has already started to Bye Bye Biden*. This old clown is a mess, and he’s getting messier, and his manifest weakness is going to draw the scavengers. The vultures are circling…

Good riddance.

Dishonorable mentions include my prediction of the epic suck-upening to China, and to Iran, and to every other America-hating nest of scumbags around the globe, as well as our government once again listening to creepy Swedish urchins about the climate hoax, and its inevitable focus on trying to silence and disenfranchise us. But here’s one more prediction…we will win. Maybe not in 2021, but mark my words, the side of freedom and justice cannot lose. Victory is coming. And you can hold me to it.

Conservatives Must Stand Together and Fight. Join Townhall VIP.

I also predict that the Spring of 2021 will see the arrival of the sixth Kelly Turnbull conservative action thriller, The Split. You should totally get yourself ready for my next action-packed conservative novel in the series that chronicles America torn apart into red and blue nations. The newest novel is Crisis, but also check out the other four novels, People's Republic, Indian CountryWildfireand Collapse!


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