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Trump Does Not Have COVID; COVID Has Him

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.
Official White House Photo by Tia Dufour

Okay, like 400 people on Twitter independently came up with the joke in this column’s headline, but I like it and it popped into my head independently the second I heard he caught it (via text from frequent Unredacted podcast guest Drew Matich), so there it is. Sometime in the future maybe I will write something about joke theory – there’s nothing more fun than dragging out the joke chalkboard and explaining why something is or is not funny. But not today. Nor will I be talking about sous vide steak this column. No, this is all about the petri dish of viral antics that is the GOP right now, and the agony of the left when they realized that some puny microbe was no match for the incredible potency of our POTUS.

The real medical emergency was not the president’s pangolin pandemic panic. It was the orthopedic injuries the liberal media suffered twisting itself into pretzels to try and maintain the theme that Trump is a monster for getting slightly sick. CRACK! That’s the sound of them twisting themselves to match their narrative. 

If you watch these monumentally impure puritans, who all adore science, you might wonder why they seem to equate catching a hopped-up cold with a moral failure. See, Trump is bad because he was insufficiently in awe of the awesome awesomeness of wearing a mask, and this infection was his just punishment by the angry woke spirits of the liberal ether for not prostrating himself before them via masking. 

Now, you might try and offer facts and evidence to construct an argument that this is silly, but to do so is to miss the point. The point is not proving anything, and their fussy denials to the contrary, this has zero to do with science. Wearing a mask is good not because it keeps you free of disease; rather, to these modern pagans, a mask is a totem that demonstrates obedience to those angry woke spirits. It is a symbol, not a prophylactic. That Virginia’s governor Northam – a dude famous for wearing masks – caught it even though his piety to the dictates of the angry woke spirits cannot be doubted. But that doesn’t matter. To the left, and their acolytes in the media, the infection was some sort of supernatural punishment for conservative heresy. And they could not have been happier that he caught it.

A few libs, including Tulsi, Maddow and whoever handles Grandpa Badfinger’s Twitter account, tweeted thoughts and prayers to the President and First Lady. Hillary, probably nose-deep in a goblet of an off-brand Vermont Chablis-In-A-Box from the Wine Barn, snarked out something sarcastic she probably thought was clever. We didn’t hear from Bill, but these days he’s probably only staying on pervert islands without internet access. Others offered up their glee and joy that the president was going to die. The first few hours after the announcement were liberal foreplay and, as they should be used to by now, it all came to an unsatisfying culmination.

Trump refused to die. 

In fact, he seemed vibrant and healthy for someone who was sick. The master showman was not going to be wheeled out to the chopper in a robe. He fixed his hair and threw on a killer suit. There was more butch in that fifty-yard amble to Marine One than in a thousand Bulwark staffs. He even popped a macho thumbs-up to the camera. You got the impression that when he got to Walter Reed, he might generously take the time to donate some of that extra testosterone to benefit the femboys of liberal Twitter blue checkdom. 

The chef’s kiss was Trump driving his docs nuts by refusing to rest while Joe Biden was calling lids before most of us finished our first mimosa.

We got the Trump COVID truthers in full effect – we were being lied to about how he was actually on the verge of death, and when he failed to vapor lock then we got the Trump is faking it narrative. They insisted that Trump’s docs were lying because anonymous sources said so, and anonymous sources trump on the record folks who back Trump because of course they do.

Then there was SUVgate, where Trump condemned a generation of Secret Service agents to their doom by riding around the hospital and waving to the folks gathered there to support him. It was great to see such support for law enforcement from the same people who just spent six months hating on law enforcement for systemic racism. CRACK! That’s the sound of liberal joints popping from their narrative contortions. 

Now, Trump was in a mask and behind a plexiglass screen and the agents with him were in their PPE, and I was confused by the media spazz because I was informed by all the smart people who love science that a mask protects you. CRACK! There goes another narrative twist.

The best one had to be when Jenn Rubin, WaPo’s “conservative” columnist and cryptkeeper, spent Friday freaking out that Trump was not riding in an SUV for an hour across town to Walter Reed, and then spent Sunday Nadlering herself because Trump rode around Walter Reed in an SUV for five minutes.


Some anonymous former Secret Service agent told the lib media that he/she/xe was outraged with outrageousness by Trump literally murdering his protection detail by being in a car with them. My indirect contacts with the Secret Service are also anonymous, but it appears the source of all the liberal media citations is one former agent and current malcontent. My sources, which I believe, tell me the detail is intensely supportive of the president. I mean, these are anonymous sources citing hearsay, and haven’t we learned that this is the very best kind of evidence?

But even if they didn’t like it, too bad. It’s their job. If the president thinks he needs to be seen as healthy, whether to cheer his supporters or to let devious foreign scumbags know he’s ready to party if they get frisky, then shut up, put on your mask and get in the G-ride. When I was in the Army, I had to go and be really near VX. VX is a nerve agent – think of it as insecticide for dudes. Like the feds with Trump, I wore protective gear. And, because the military can occasionally be cunning, I had to rig my own gear – talk about incentivizing paying attention in training. What I did not do is whine like a little sissy about doing my job, like that anonymous former agent and current blue falcon.

I expect Trump to make a triumphant return to the White House after a useful break in the campaign. It is useful because there are a lot of squishes out there who get Trump fatigue, who get tired of all the winning. This allows them to settle down as we near the homestretch. And overall, I expect the contrast of his vitality in the homestretch of the campaign, as opposed to the ennui of the zombie Biden campaign that appears to be managed by George Romero, to prove decisive. I think that this helps Trump going into the climax.

When life gives you COVID, make lemonade.

I am in the process of writing Book V of my best-selling conservative thriller series about America splitting into Red and Blue. Crisis drops in November (it’s pretty lit so far), and you should prepare for it by reading People's RepublicIndian Country, Wildfire, and Collapse now. Also, get my new non-fiction book The 21 Biggest Lies about Donald Trump (and You!)!

My super-secret Townhall VIP email address is kurt.schlichter@townhall.com.


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