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That Creepy Old Weirdo In The Basement Will Never Debate Trump

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.
AP Photo/Matt Slocum

There are a few safe bets in life – the sun will rise in the East, the mainstream media will tongue-bathe the Dems, the Never Trump sissies of the Ahoy crew will die alone, forgotten, and unloved – but there is no safer bet than on Joe Biden not taking the debate stage with Donald Trump.


If he does debate Trump, Grandpa Badfinger is toast. And if he doesn’t debate Trump, Grandpa Badfinger is also toast. Either way, that post-moderate muppet is a breakfast entrée. Dodging the debate is merely his least bad choice, sort of like going with chlamydia over syphilis.

The media and the Biden campaign are doing everything they can to avoid the moment where the public consensus coalesces around Biden’s obsolescence. You know how that goes. One day, a politician is defined by his positions. The next day, there’s a moment in time when a new perception gets locked in stone, where the mere mention of his name gets people nodding and a single word seems to define him forever. With Biden, the word will be “senile,” just like with Bill Clinton the word is “humidor.” 

And Trump is going to define Slow Joe mercilessly, but not quite yet. Those of us swimming in the cesspool of politics every day see Trump’s gentle pokes about Rip van Wrinkled’s manifest mental deterioration, but it’s clear that Trump is holding his big guns in reserve for the moment. Why? Well, Trump certainly wants the Democrats to go all-in and formally nominate Joethuselah before he unleashes hell like Maximus upon my uppity German tribesman ancestors. Further, you don’t want to lower expectations so much that Oldfinger gets pronounced competent simply by appearing in public without drooling all over his bib. 

But mostly, Trump knows that normal people aren’t paying attention yet. In September, they will take a break from trying not to be bankrupted by stupid pols panicking over the flu and from dealing with how their kids are not going to school because teacher unions members can’t take the same minimal risk that Trader Joe’s baggers have been enduring since Day One. When people start paying attention after Labor Day, they will be expecting to see Share A Beer Joe and instead see Share An Ensure Joe. 


And the Dems know that Trump will then paint Biden in all the colors of the dementia rainbow.

They can’t not know it. Even the rare clips of the nominee show him unable to form a coherent sentence and, on the even rarer occasions where Ernst Stavros Biden leaves his basement lair, needing to be led around by his attendants. The guy is a lukewarm mess, and if the people around him cared for him at all, except as a Trojan horse to slip a bunch of commies into the White House, they would give him a big chocolate chip cookie and leave him to a dignified retirement of chasing squirrels around his backyard. But they don’t care about Joe, only about their own power. That’s why, if he’s elected, he’ll be put out to pasture faster than you can say “Twenty-Fifth Amendment.”

Imagine that addled crustacean up on the debate stage. It’s actually painful. First, they would have to get him dressed for the occasion, and you know he’d argue that he should be able to wear his bathrobe and black socks. Then someone would have to tie him to the lectern to ensure he didn’t wander off. His opening statement would be all about the need to get those damn kids off his lawn.

We all know an elderly relative who is just not with it anymore. It’s sad, and their own frustration often manifests in angry and incoherent outbursts. Remember “Look, fat, look, here’s the deal” and his push-up contest challenge? Yeah, America wants that guy with his infamous fingers hovering over the Big Red Button.


And who is the one guy who is unsurpassed in his ability to make Democrats mad, in both senses of the word? The very same guy who will be next to Biden on that stage. 

So, what’s Biden going to say when Trump hits him about his son Hoover’s foreign entanglements with China, Ukraine and, at least in terms of powdery exports, Bolivia? And do not put it past Trump to get Biden sputtering by making it rain with references to Hoover’s controversial domestic entanglements – Biden’s unhinged responses to Trump’s references to the pole are sure to poll badly. 

And you know that Tara Reade will get a front row seat in the Trump box.

Oh, and the Dim Dem is not going to do any better on the purely policy questions. How do you think Biden is going to go threading the needle on embracing the left’s sacred “Defund the Police” position without freaking out those safety-first suburban wine women he’s desperate to win? Or when he has to explain how everyone’s taxes are going up? Or how he would have done a much better job on the pangolin pandemic panic by not cutting off flights from China, and how the economy would have been much better if he had locked us down even tighter. You have to be at the top of your game to apply the lipstick to the slippery, squealing pig that is the Democrat’s 1972 redux platform, and this guy hasn’t seen the top of his game since, well, ever.

Now, the media is already prepping the battlefield for Biden to refuse to debate. It seems that every day, some lib outlet explains how we really don’t need debates anymore, a viewpoint that mysteriously popped up for the first time right now when a debate is nearly certain to be a disaster for the libs. Other media hacks caution that making the Democrat defend his program plays into Trump’s hands, which is certainly true, and therefore is probably not a compelling argument to people not already chugging the deep blue Kool-Aid.


There’s going to be some lame excuse for why he won’t debate. Maybe Biden and the rest will try to impose ridiculous conditions on the debate, like “Trump cannot speak” or “Trump must be fact-checked in real time during the debate by a panel of neutral, objective truth tellers from MSNBCNN, the WaPo and the NYT.” Maybe they will just announce that Biden refuses to share a stage with the President because to do so “will serve to normalize his racism, sexism, transphobia, Islamophobia, cisgender normativity, and more racism.” (My new book The 21 Biggest Lies about Donald Trump (and You!) reviews this greatest hits album of lib fibs).

Regardless of the excuse and its manifest lameness, the garbage media will certainly celebrate his refusal to debate and push the line that going Full Sir Robin is actually a brave step of bravery, courage, and more bravery. But normal people will be…skeptical. And Trump will spend October tweaking Hidin’ Biden on Twitter like the boss he is.

Now, I could be wrong about all this. Statistically, it has to happen someday. Perhaps that sinewy loser will stagger out onto the stage and try to go toe-to-toe with The Donald. We can only hope. And that stage will soon be sparkling clean because the Prezzy will mop the floor with him. 

Either way, we win. 

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