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GOP Saps Need to Quit Being Idiots

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of
AP Photo/Matthew Brown

I want to know the name of one single voter who cried out, “Take that, Columbus Day! And now that Fort Benning is known as Fort Diversity Rainbow Unicorn, I shall cast my ballot proudly for the generic GOP stooge who helped make that happen because when my country is burning and I am under attack, I want to be represented by people whose first inclination is to suck up to the Democrats!”


What’s this guy’s name, GOP geniuses? Who is this mystery voter you are courting at the expense of people otherwise inclined to support you? I’d like to meet him, and to sell him a bridge.

Here’s the thing you do when you want to win an election, and I can’t believe I have to tell the GOP’s pols this but apparently I do. You do things the people who might possibly vote for you want done. You don’t sit around in a circle of jerks trying to please the people who hate your guts.

This is not hard. Why are you channeling Mitt Romney, except with worse hair? Are you like civilian hardcase Butch Ben Sasse, fulminating obediently about somebody else going and fighting Russians after he eagerly accepted the latest media/Democrat Trump/Russia lie (That’s Lie #4 in my new book, which comes out tomorrow!). We already have a group of dishonest suckers undermining the country. They are called “Democrats” and we don’t need two parties of them.

Get woke! 

People keep telling you GOP-types to shape up. Tucker Carlson’s ratings are reaching low earth orbit thanks to his merciless pillorying of you empty suits. Maybe you should listen to the voters instead of the overpaid doofuses you are paying a ton of money to in order to lose your elections for you. It’s not hard to not fail. It’s not hard to help your voters instead of your opponents. The Democrats manage to do it, and they’re a pack of brother-marrying, pinko weirdos who think men get periods and that the Russians are to blame for everything, including their myriad sexual inadequacies.


GOP dummies, what the hell is your excuse? I want to know the thought process by which you slack-jawed nimrods who make up a startling proportion of the Republican Party’s political cadre got the idea that we sent you to Washington to rename Army bases and switch-up holidays. You sure as hell didn’t ask me. If you had, I would have replied, “That’s funny. I am amused.” Then, when I saw you were puzzled, I would have said, “Wait, that wasn’t a joke?” And then I would have berated you with vicious indictments of your character and intellect reaching back several generations.

You want to be “reasonable” – stop that! Get woke! This is not about reason but about power, and you simps are staggering into the world’s most obvious ambush. Yes, perhaps there is a good argument to be made for recognizing Juneteenth. And no, had this Son of the Union (Nana, a native of rebel-torched Chambersburg, had a portrait of Lincoln on her wall, which I guess makes her literally Hitler in the eyes of the dilbots the GOP is obsessed with pleasing) been consulted several generations ago when they were picking names for Army bases, I would have argued against choosing mostly obscure Confederates. But even if changing base names did not implicitly and falsely indict my three Fort Benning diplomas (Officer Candidate School, Airborne, and Infantry Advanced Course) as badges of oppression instead of symbols of freedom – as well as those of millions of other veterans – I would still be against changing any base names or holidays now because you never, ever negotiate with a gun to your head.


I’m a lawyer and I negotiate for a living, so maybe I can provide some perspective. The Republicans’ “negotiations” consist of giving concessions to people who hate them that will get them nothing in return but the contempt of GOP voters. I’m baffled why I have to explain this, but that’s a bad deal. If I did that kind of deal for clients, I’d be driving a 1991 Ford Fiesta hoopty with a missing rear bumper instead of my sweet, sweet premium touring sedan. 

Stop doing stupid things, Republicans! 

We want you to protect us from the coordinated attack upon us, not tongue-bathe the attackers. Do you need some suggestions on how that involves protecting us instead of kissing liberal Lieu? 

  • Strip all federal money from colleges that fail to actively protect free speech.
  • Tax college endowments. Let’s lance the boil that is academia!
  • Target Big Tech targeting of, and discrimination against, free speech. Strip Section 230 protection from any tech company that bans speech otherwise protected by the First Amendment, and pass an “Internet Bill of Rights” that allows consumers to sue tech companies for oppressing them (Want some help drafting it? Have your people call my people).
  • Ban corporate discrimination on the basis of politics so that our ability to function in society is not at the mercy of big corporations that have adopted the ideology of a mid-wit Goucher College collectivist phrenology major.
  • Remove all federal aid from cities that refuse to protect the rights of citizens by allowing Democrat catspaw radicals to run rampant and go unpunished.
  • Make attacks on cops for being cops a federal hate crime.
  • Make it a federal crime to block a federal interstate and to threaten or restrain drivers. Clarify that blocking a vehicle is a threat to the life and safety of the passengers and ensure that accelerating to escape this kind of attack is presumptively legitimate self-defense. And give those inconvenienced the right to sue for damages for being delayed.
  • Pass a “National Self-Defense Against Political Violence Act” to protect our ability to use force to defend ourselves against rioters, thugs, and other Democrats. Soros-bought local DAs released criminals but threaten patriots should we exercise our civil right not to be brutalized. Take that travesty off the table.

There are plenty more ideas out there. Can you GOP Einsteins spot some common elements among my suggestions? 

None of them will make the left happy.

All of them will make us, your patriotic GOP voters, very happy.

And all of them will help you win in November, instead of lose. In case you missed it, the point is not to lose. 

Not to lose.

GOP: Take our side in this fight, if you want to keep your miserable jobs. Because we are done with your Schiff.

Fight the lies. Join Townhall VIP. Unlike many alleged Republicans, patriots like you yearn to own the libs. And there’s a handbook to help you do it coming out tomorrow! Order a copy of my new Regnery non-fiction book, The 21 Biggest Lies About Donald Trump (and You!) so you get it bright and early Tuesday morning! Every time someone buys a copy, a liberal cries. Except not Nancy Pelosi, because the Botox blocked her tear ducts.

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