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Royalty Is Ridiculous

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of
Daniel Leal-Olivas/Pool Photo via AP

Prince Whatshisname and that American liberal chick he married have decided to stop being royalty or something – apparently, they are going to go out and get jobs in marketing or consulting instead of being princes or duchesses or viscounts or whatever they are. Who knows? And who cares? Seemingly, many Americans care, and I have a beef with that.

I do not have a beef with British people caring about it – that’s the British people’s business and if they can sooth the pain of their bad food and worse teeth by idolizing a bunch of mediocrities who tend toward hemophilia, fine. It’s their kink, and their problem. I would not presume to instruct them on their cultural norms just as I would tell them to go pound their Yorkshire pudding should they try to criticize us for one of America’s cultural norms, like thinking soccer is for suburban kids and not adults.

But Americans who fawn over royalty – now that’s just disgraceful. Those of you who attended unionized public schools might not know it, but we fought a war to get rid of the silly institution of royalty, yet for some reason some Americans find something that fills the empty space in their souls in cooing over these noble lay-abouts.

Let’s be clear – “royalty” is not a thing. These people are not special or better or magical because they come from a long line in in-bred poshes. This “Your Majesty” and “Your Highness” crap is just that – crap. Here’s the hierarchy: God, then an American citizen. 

That’s it. 

Note how there’s no one in between the two members of the hierarchy? Not Hollywood stars. Not Democrat politicians. Not freaky Swedish teen apocalypse scolds. And certainly not “royalty.”

The whole thing is just stupid and I would find it utterly baffling if I did not see it function generally well in practice in Britain, the intermittent idiocy notwithstanding. In the UK – there’s that “kingdom” thing again – it works, at least for them. In other European countries there is royalty too, but it’s not got the pomp or obsessive coverage of the British royal family. In the Netherlands, you might be at the wooden shoe cobbler and the next guy in line is King Willem-Alexander getting his pair sanded for the next Dutch hoe-down. But some Brit noble shows up and it’s “Ma’am” this and “Sir” that plus 400 paparazzi.  

Like I said, it works for them and it’s their country. Prince Harry and the other one were both soldiers in the Brit forces – that’s cool. Their father, the weirdo Prince Charles, was a naval officer. They do a lot of charity stuff. And the Queen is a throwback to a better, greater past – check out the NetFlix show The Crown and you get some appreciation for both how she spans history and how she provides a center of unity for her people. I may think royalty is stupid, and it is, but the Brits think it works for them and more power to them. By the way, check out this fascinating long-read on what happens when she finally goes to the Lord (to her credit, she remains faithfully religious even as her countrymen decay into empty, godless consumerism and pop-culture worship). She is a great woman, a woman who has seen history unfold before her eyes, and when she passes I can only hope that we Americans honor her as what she is – the symbol and embodiment of our greatest ally.

That’s not to say that her family is likewise a monument to propriety. This Meghan Markle character is a ridiculous PC gold-digger. Princess Di was a dizzy blonde who cheated on her chin-challenged hubby just like he cheated on her. The less said about Prince Andrew, Jeffrey Epstein’s party pal, the better. Don’t be surprised if he gets named “Duke of the Falklands” and exiled there to reign over the local penguins that inhabit the leftover minefields.

You read that right.

Anyway, the idea of royalty, that some people via accident of birth are special and due some sort of deference and/or obedience by others, is as odd as it is unAmerican. We are supposed to be a people of stubborn pride and fierce equality. Slobbering over pics of fancy dandies with telephone pole-like family trees is unseemly. Stop it.

The Queen gets an amusing mention in my newest novel Collapse. Check it out along with the other entries in the series, People's Republic, Indian Country and Wildfire. They are conservative, funny and action -packed, which beats liberal, tiresome and dreary. The Never Trump sissies call my books “appalling,” so go get ‘em and make Bill Kristol cry.

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