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Remember That Our Opponents Are Insane Crazy People

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

I liked it when the howling loonies started pounding on the bronze doors of the Supreme Court like Brett Kavanaugh was totally going to open them up and invite the freaks in to air their many stupid grievances over a hot cup of Too Damn Bad. I also liked it when Lindsey Graham dissed that silly shrieking harpy as he adjusted his tie and smirked. And I liked it when Jesse Kelly channeled Andrew Breitbart by heading down to the protest with a t-shirt that said “Hands Off My Uterus.” I liked a lot of things about last week, and all of them involved liberal jerks being unhappy.

Their pain feeds my soul.

Now, in the wake of our total victory over the forces of whiny, stupid evil – I’m trying to think of another term to describe people who think the hysterical chicks in The Crucible were the good guys and that Atticus Finch was the bad guy – some voices on the right are cautioning us to be magnanimous. To not be sore winners. To extend a hand of friendship to those who oppose us.

Oh, I’m extending a hand, but only part of one. A single finger. Guess which one.

Good sportsmanship applies to sports. It doesn’t apply to street fights. This was a lynching of a good man for cheap political advantage and it must be punished if we are going to have less of them in the future. If we can increase their agony at losing, then we are hastening the day when they learn that they don’t get to win. Not ever.


They will grow tired of all the losing. We, on the other hand, shall never tire of all the winning.

The Fredocon sissies want to steal the joy of victory from us and replace it with the sort of despondent funk that is their preferred state, because True Conservative™ principles require that if we can’t lose outright we must at least feel like we lost.

Except we didn’t lose. We won. Justice won. We defeated a calculated smear designed to destroy an innocent man in the name of progressive tyranny. And we should be happy. And we should be utterly obnoxious about it. And we should laugh at the howling fools getting minimum wage for chasing wussy, flakey senators around parking lots.

This is not the time to go back to the same limp, listless conservatism that got us here in the first place. My new book Militant Normals: How Regular Americans Are Rebelling Against the Elite to Reclaim Our Democracy talks a lot about how the same Conservative, Inc., goofs who want us to surrender now that we’ve won got us here by failing to understand what they were up against in the Before Trump era, when nice guys like Mitt the Cancer-Causing Dog Torturer literally finished last. They were blind out of professional courtesy; the looney left are fellow members of the same elite class, and our conservativish betters didn’t want to rock the boat – or donor-filled cruise ship, as it were.


Ahoy, losers – we’re woke and free of your fussy influence. We have crushed our enemies and driven them before us, and now we hear the sweet music that is the lamentation of the women-identifying persons. You Never Trumpers who used to talk a big game about conservative success to milk the marks now look upon our success and despair. We look at the festival of insanity and choose to giggle.  

What do we see? Joyous misery.

Dick Blumenthal hasn’t been so upset since Charlie was in the wire around New Haven during the Tet Offensive. Where’s Dick’s parade?

Mazie Hirono says Kavanaugh is “going to be on the Supreme Court with a huge taint and a big asterisk after his name.” When he writes the opinion ending the baby killing bonanza that is Roe v. Wade, you can kiss his asterisk, Mazie, if that’s even your real name.

And Corey Booker is now apparently the senator from Chumbawamba.

Then there are the social media blue kooks. Let’s see. Jill Filipovic demanded that Normal women “Divorce your Republican husbands.” If you’re down to take relationship advice from a millennial feminist who writes books with titles like The H-Spot: The Feminist Pursuit of Happiness, I’m thinking you may end up unsatisfied. It sounds like 50 Shades with less bondage but with much more pain. 

And there was another Twitter genius who shall remain linkless who suggested to women, “Don’t ---- Republican men.” Apparently, some feminists think denying conservative men feminist women is going to make conservative men do less of whatever it is that causes them to be denied feminist women. Normal women will scoff at this admonition; taking erotic advice from a feminist is like taking driving lessons from a Kennedy. 


Poor gal. Since she’s presumably only rode the spinning teacups of sexuality that are liberal beta boyz, it’s not unexpected that she doesn’t get why real women choose to ride Colossus, the roller coaster of conservative manhood.

Oh, and let’s not forget the parade of protesting weirdos. From oppression LARPers dressed as handmaids – I liked lonely weird girls better when they read Sylvia Plath – to commie wiccans trying to cast spells to tatted up human pincushions who insisted on telling you their pronouns, these people were all nuts. And that’s awesome. America is watching. America is laughing. And, if the latest polling is any indication, America is determined to vote accordingly.

My new book Militant Normals: How Regular Americans Are Rebelling Against the Elite to Reclaim Our Democracy is on the street right now, unleashed, untamed, uncensored and ticking off all the right people. Order it to own the libs and the conservagimps.


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