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America To The Liberal Elite: “New Phone - Who Dis?”

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

Saturday morning, America awoke to the sunniest of sunshine, despite the lingering smoke in the air from the Democrats’ celebration of the peaceful transfer of power. Children laughed and birds sang, while across the fruited plains echoed the delightful howl of genderfluid weirdoes wailing “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”


Who will ever forget the festival of schadenfreude as Obama stood on that platform, his personal rejection by the people of this country manifest before him in human form, knowing that every single one of his accomplishments was going to be burnt to the ground like an unattended limousine in the path of his supporters?

Today, when a progressive dials America, no one picks up. Instead, he/she/xe gets a text back: “New phone – who dis?” [Caution: The link contains adult and hilarious language]

Yeah, I had my issues with Donald Trump during the primary, but between his cabinet selections, his sheer joy in tormenting liberals, and the ecstasy that comes from watching the left and its pet institutions like academia and the mainstream media committing ritual suicide before our eyes, I’m thinking “Make room on Mount Rushmore.” Even if Trump does nothing else for the next four or – please please please – eight years except drive liberals insane, we’re still parsecs ahead of where we would have been if the wife of that skanky cryptkeeper dude who was onstage ogling the Trump women had won.

Yeah, I get that President Trump (I still burst into uncontrollable giggles of joy saying that) is not an ideological conservative like me and most of my pals, and like Evan McMullin sometimes was until his irrelevance drove him insane. But then, the candidate of us ideological conservatives didn’t just sign a stack of executive orders that, among other things, froze all new government regulations. Our guy didn’t make libs’ heads explode by invoking God at his swearing-in more times than most liberal churches do in a year. Our guy didn’t just appoint a stud named Mad Dog to change the Department of Transgender Welcoming and Occasional Army Stuff Too, back into the Department of Defense. Our guy didn’t win.


It’s time for a giant group hug on the right. Never Trumpers, Never Hillarys, Trumpers, Super Trumpers with #MAGA tattooed on their lower backs – I say it’s time to bury the hatchet, preferably right in liberalism’s putrid heart.

We Republicans are where we are, with the White House and Congress, and we have a terrific opportunity. Trump has nominated a cabinet so conservative it would make W’s cabinet soil its collective silk undies. President Trump (hell yeah) has shown a willingness to rebuild our military. He’s tossing out Obamacare. He’s driving liberals nuts. Does he have the free trade bona fides we hardcore conservatives would prefer? Nope. But then, did we address the problems that free trade caused for our own voters in a way that would make those Republican primary voters select our preferred candidates over President Trump? Nope. Maybe we hardcore conservatives need to spend some time critiquing ourselves instead of focusing solely on critiquing the guy who beat the hell out of us.

If we ideological conservatives want to have any influence in the future, we can’t do what the left has done. In the wake of Hillary’s shattering repudiation, the left gazed into the mirror and said, “Well, you look terrific. No problem here. It must be that normal Americans are racist and stupid.” And from that mindless mindset you get hilariously self-unaware videos by aging-out ingénues where they swear oaths to “protect, preserve and defend the Constitution.” That’s so adorable. When I swore my real oath thirty years ago, I wasn’t wearing Prada; I was dressed like a tree. And I feel really bad for her personal assistant when Private Messing learns that the Constitution she just swore to defend includes the Second Amendment.


On our side, it’s time to say “Yes” to success. It’s time to stop in-fighting on the right and start focusing on using this opportunity to crush our enemies, to drive them before us, and to hear the lamentations of their effeminate males. I’m not saying roll over when President Trump (still love typing that) goes on a tangent we don’t dig; I’m saying stop obsessing and face reality. The voters picked him, not us, and he’s going to make a lot of things we want to happen happen that our own standard-bearers could not pull off. So we need to support President Trump (oh yeah) where he’s right, try and guide him where he’s not, and above all, stop the insane, petulant, reflexive opposition that makes you look, frankly, kind of nuts. Again, don’t be the guy staring into the mirror saying “Well, I’m perfect. I guess those people who voted for Trump because I was failing to meet their needs are just stupid for prioritizing their interests over my preferred ideology.”

You don’t have to love that Trump is the Republican president, but you should at least put aside your wounded pride long enough to seize the opportunity he presents. Don’t let your hurt feelings consign you to a chair in the corner where you pout, arms crossed, as Trump accomplishes a bunch of the things you’ve been promising for the last couple decades but never delivered.


And on the Trumper side, it’s time to be a bit gracious to those conservative opponents who demonstrate a willingness to be cool. Stop calling everyone concerned that Putin might gobble up Latvia a “neocon.” Enough with the “cuck” stuff – it makes you look like an idiot. And don’t ever presume to tell me I can’t be friends with somebody because he opposed Trump somewhere along the line – you don’t get a vote. Accept 90% allies. If Trump and Ryan can pal around and get good stuff done, so can Team #MAGA and Team He’s the Antichrist.

Remember, there are a lot of liberals out there who we need to be ungracious to. Let’s focus on annoying them, and we have a lot of work to do. The pustule of cultural liberalism must be popped by our army of Blutos, and it’s going to be messy. We’ll have to fight, including by supporting our own conservative entertainment. The mainstream media is down, so it’s time to start kicking. We need to continue to point out liberal fake news whenever it appears, which is always. And Obama’s legacy isn’t going to destroy itself – well, actually, it will, but we should help that happen faster.

Yes, we need to walk together in the sunshine through the grassy meadow of victory, and when the ringing of the cell phone of power we inherited interrupts our interlude, and the caller ID reads “Progressivism,” we need to answer: “New phone – who dis?”


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