Well, let me spoil it for you – I know the identity of the victim beaten to death on The Walking Dead premiere Sunday. The victim is my patience with this stupid year.
2016, die, die, DIE!
WHY WON’T YOU DIE?!?!?!?
2016 is stupid in every way, in every respect, from its stupid politics to its stupid pop culture to its stupid stupidity. Even the number “2016” is stupid. Just look at it. It’s not even an interesting prime number. It’s divisible by four, like a sucker.
Let’s review just how stupid 2016 is.
Let’s start with The Walking Dead, a zombie show based entirely on the idea that the characters will do stupid things and thereby expose themselves to easily avoidable dangers.
Look, there are some very slowly walking ghouls. We could either escape by walking away slightly more quickly, or stand here talking about our feelings until they catch up with us and someone gets eaten. Let’s go with Option B, because it’s 2016 and everything is stupid.
Some character is being baseball-batted to death in the premiere episode, and we know it won’t be tiresome Carl because that would be awesome and nothing awesome happens in 2016. This is as a result of the characters trying to go down one road and being blocked, then another road and being blocked, and then thinking, “I know – driving past the various road blocks didn’t work, so let’s try walking through the woods while carrying a bad actress on a stretcher. That sounds like a tactically solid scheme that’s not at all stupid.”
By my talking about a stupid TV show, do you get the idea that I am trying to avoid something even more massively stupid? You do? Then you are not stupid.
The election is not only stupid on the surface, but it embodies a deep and enduring stupidity that will haunt our country and the world for generations.
Let’s look at the candidates. Donald Trump is certainly stupid.
I seem to be doing well in the polls talking about the corruption of my opponent and the need for change, so let me get out my inaptly named smartphone and start tweeting. Any chubby beauty queens I can focus on for awhile? Maybe tussle with a Gold Star family? I know, how about I tweet about how I hate puppies, especially golden retrievers, and how they are lightweight choker dogs. This seems like a savvy ploy to build a winning coalition. Dogs suck!
Trump managed to beat 16 other GOP candidates, but only with the help of some serious stupidity. Stupid Jeb!, in a move that will put him in line for admission to the Stupid Hall of Fame, decided that what America needed was another Bush, except this time a snobby, jerky one who opposed all the things his party likes and who had given his opponent a freaking medal.
Jeb gave Hillary a medal. Let that sink in as you step back and behold, in awe, his remarkable achievement in the field of stupidity.
Back to Trump. This spoiled 10 year-old boy in a 70 year-old rich man’s body stumbled onto the one message Republican voters are dying to hear, and yet managed to stupid all over his own secret success sauce because he’s too stupid to put down the phone and shut the hell up. Let’s not even go there about the stupid inherent in thinking it would never come out how he had taped gynochats with Howard Stern and Billy Bush.
But his stupid is nothing compared with the stupidity of the people actually believing this guy is anything more than a firewall against something exponentially worse. You can choose herpes over leprosy, but you don’t have to talk yourself into buying the notion that herpes is cool.
And then there’s Hillary, a woman so stupid she botched the Washington, D.C., bar exam that the zombies from The Walking Dead could pass. Here’s how stupid she is. She has 99.99% of the reporters in America with their faces parked firmly in the seat of her pantsuit. She has every tycoon, robber baron, potentate, and ditzy Hollywood half-wit writing her giant checks. She has female genitalia, which much of liberal America considers enough, in and of itself, to qualify her to be president. She has all this, and Trump is still competitive in the polls.
“Why aren’t I 50 points ahead?” she cackles stupidly. Because you’re stupid, you venal moron. Your policies are stupid, your ideas are stupid, and the hacky clichés that you offer up to your trained seal supporters are breathtakingly stupid. I’d say she was stupid for all her email and corruption antics, but I don’t think that was it. I think she was just confident that she would never be held accountable – and justifiably so thanks to corrupt courtiers like James Comey.
But what’s really stupid, what’s so mind-bogglingly stupid that it makes me want to pound my head against concrete, is how all this stupidity is leading America to throw away a system that has generally brought us freedom and prosperity from 1776 to this accursed year of 2016. Our ruling elite, the stupidest Americans of all, think they can just ignore all those obstacles to their power like equality before the law, due process, and freedom, and that people will just keep going along with this stupidity.
No, they will start pushing back, and as my new book predicts, that could be really bad. Now people – not just Trump, but people who aren’t stupid too – are seeing the system as rigged against them, and the ultimate stupidity is assuming that our system can survive when a good portion of us believes it has morphed into a scam designed to impoverish and enslave us for the benefit of a bunch of jerks. Maybe 2016 is the stupidest of years, but maybe it is also the year we stopped being stupid and stopped taking it.