Let me have your attention for a moment. So you're talking about what? You're talking about...whining about that microaggression you experienced, some frat boy who doesn't want to acknowledge your chosen gender identity, somebody who doesn't want to validate your experience as a differently-abled person of hue, some Christian who doesn't want to bake you a cake and so forth. Let's talk about something important. Are you liberals all here? All but one? Well, I'm going anyway.
Let's talk about something important. (Sees a hipster in skinny jeans and a Che t-shirt)
PUT THAT CRAFT BEER DOWN!
Craft beer’s for jihadi killers only.
Do you think I'm screwing with you? I am not screwing with you.
I'm here from America. I'm here from those people you look down on in Flyover Country. And I'm here on a mission of mercy.
Your name's Kaden?
Kaden the Hipster: Yeah. I’m a vegan and the lead falsetto in an art-folk a cappella trio called Vocally Sourced. Get it? We do a lot of open mics…
YOU CALL YOURSELF AN AMERICAN, YOU POMPOUS WHINY FEMBOY?
Eugenia the Feminist: I don't have to listen to this patriarchal oppression!
You certainly don't, Chicky, ‘cause the good news is you liberals are fired as America’s ruling class.
The bad news is you liberals have got, all you got, just about two and a half months to regain your status, starting tonight. Starting with tonight’s war on radical Islam.
Oh, have I got your attention now?
Good, ‘cause we're adding a little something to this month’s civilizational struggle. As you all know, first prize is a free society based on natural rights and the rule of law.
Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize is Sweden, where you cower in your igloo hiding from immigrant rape gangs.
Third prize is you’re beheaded – on video, and then your daughter gets passed around from jihadi scumbag to jihadi scumbag as a living sex toy.
You get the picture? You laughing now?
You got armies. You got weapons. We taxpayers paid good money for them. Get their names and kill them! You can't kill the jihadis, you can't kill those scum? YOU ARE SCUM, HIT THE BRICKS PAL AND BEAT IT BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING OUT!
David from The New York Times: We believe that using violence is a sign of weakness and messes up the crease in your slacks.
Using violence is a sign of weakness? Killing our enemies is weak? YOU'RE WEAK!
We real Americans have been in the business of sending commies, Nazis, jihadis, and other assorted scumbags to hell for 240 years.
Hillary: What's your name?
AMERICA, that's my name! You know why, Missy? 'Cause you rode in on your husband to get here tonight, and we did it all ourselves even as we built, defended and loved this country. That's my name!
And your name is "You're Wanting to Be President." And Benghazi, Syria and everywhere else show that you can't play in this game. You can't kill them. You can’t even keep Putin out of your hard drive.
So go home and tell Huma your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life:
Get them to die in the gunsight which is cross-haired!
You hear me, you pathetic dhimmis?
A-B-C. A-always, B-be, C-conquering.
Always be conquering! Always be conquering!
A-I-D-A. Attention, interest, decision, action.
Attention – do I have your attention?
Interest – are you interested? I know you are, because it's win or die. You kill them or they kill you!
Decision – have you made your decision for Western Civilization over Seventh Century superstition?
And action. A-I-D-A.
Get out there! You got the Islamic radicals right there in their crummy little caliphate. You think they set it up to provide free health care and subsidized student loans? A jihadi doesn't come out in the open lest he wants to be martyred. They’re just sitting out there, waiting to give you their lives!
Are you gonna take them?
Are you man enough to take them?
What's the problem, pal? You, Kaden.
Kaden the Hipster: You're such a hero, you're so patriotic. Why are you coming down here to Williamsburg and wasting your time on a bunch of liberal elitists?
You see this flag? You see this flag?
Kaden the Hipster: Yeah.
This flag cost more in blood than you’ll ever know. We normals settled this country, built it from nothing. We freed the slaves. We freed Europe. We freed Kuwait. We would have freed Vietnam if you liberal bastards hadn’t stabbed us in the back.
What have you done? You posing, posturing whiners with your worthless degrees, your baseless condescension, and seemingly limitless self-regard. What have you done except turned perpetual adolescence into a lifestyle?
You see, pal, that's who I am.
And you're nothing.
Sensitive guy? I don't give a damn.
Bernie bro? Go back and live on your mom’s futon and pester her about socialism.
You wanna be America’s elite? Kill our enemies and do the most basic job any purported leader must do – defend American lives!
You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you whiny wusses? You can't take this – how can you take the abuse you get in a war?
You don't like it – leave. Stop presuming to be our rulers if you can’t even manage to do what a competent ruling class does.
I can go to the Islamic State, tonight, with the Army, Air Force, Navy, Coast Guard, Marines, and intelligence services we have just sitting around waiting, kill 1,500 jihadis, and ensure that those semi-human savages scare their children with tales of American vengeance for the next thousand years. Tonight!
Can you?
Go and do likewise! A-I-D-A!
Get mad, you pampered cowards! Get mad!
You know what it takes to defend Western civilization?
(He picks up his AR 15)
It takes black rifles to defend Western Civilization. And men and women with guts holding them. That’s us. That’s real Americans. Go and do likewise, jerks.
Victory is out there. You pick it up, it's yours. You don't – I have no sympathy for you. You wanna go out and fight and kill the jihadis, it's yours. If not, you're going to be buffing out my Ford F-150 because you aren’t going to be America’s elite any more.
And you know what you’ll be saying, bunch of losers, sitting around in a trendy West LA bar? "Oh yeah, I used to be in the urban blue state ruling class. Couldn’t actually either run our society competently or protect it from a bunch of glorified Bedouin bandits. So I got fired. Being a liberal is a tough racket." (Mimes gulping a shot)
Now this is the new mandate. This is the November election mandate. And to you, it’s gold.
And you don't get it.
Why? Because to give it to you for another four years is just throwing our country away.
It’s for jihadi killers. It’s for those serious about defending America.
I'd wish you good luck but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it.
And to answer your question, pal: why am I here? I came here because the American people asked me to, they asked me for a favor, to come and try and get through your contempt and greed and narcissism so they won’t have to elect Donald Freaking Trump because he is the least worst option.
But the real favor would be to take my advice and fire your elitist rear ends because, after the last eight years, a loser is a loser.
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