Awesome! TSA Creepers Just Got Creepier

Posted: Aug 19, 2013 12:01 AM

Janet Napolitano’s TSA agents won’t keep their blue, latex-covered paws to themselves. The TSA is now expanding its grope to rodeos, sports stadiums, music festivals and train stations.

The TSA’s signature move is like the signature move of a guy who “accidently” brushes his hand against a woman’s buttocks or chest—a woman he’s not dating; married to; or, even a friend to. Except the TSA pulls the creeper move on men and women alike, plus grandmothers and toddlers.

Between 2010 and 2012, TSA misconduct increased by 26 percent, according to a report released this summer from the Government Accountability Office. If a business experienced a similar increase in misconduct, it would address the problem by firing all culpable employees. If a government agency experiences a rise in misconduct, everyone gets a raise: Despite 26 percent more TSA misbehavior, Big Sis Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano is now using more of your money so she can expand Operation Creeper. Isn’t that terrific?

Back in 2005, our government authorized the creation of Visible Intermodal Prevention and Response (VIPR) teams under the purview of the Transportation Security Administration (TSA). VIPR teams were supposed to conduct random sweeps at transportation centers other than airports.

Now, the Obama administration has expanded the VIPR program to unconstitutional and unprecedented levels. VIPR teams will conduct security clearances in more places where the TSA is not—which is pretty much anywhere human beings gather or move outside of airports. For example, rodeos, music festivals and train stations.

Well, I guess you can see why you should be frisked before entering a rodeo. I mean, how scary would it be if you bumped into a rodeo clown with an Obama mask on!? Good Ol’ Big Sis, always thinking of ways to protect us from buckin’ bronco comedians while leaving us to fend for ourselves against terrorists with explosives tucked inside their underwear.

Big Sis does not seem like a gal who gets out to many music festivals. She seems more like a gal who enjoys watching TV reruns while sharing her couch and cheese curds with five cats. So, Big Sis is likely terrified at the thought of hundreds of young people wearing glow necklaces and jumping up and down to electronic music. The only thing that could make Big Sis feel safe from a crowd of young people having fun would be sending her Creeper Troopers after them to administer full-body pat-downs.

In 2008, there were 10 VIPR teams and today there are 37 VIPR teams. The VIPR program has a $100 million annual budget and was responsible for—wait for it—“8,800 unannounced checkpoints…outside of airports last year,” reports the New York Times.

In other words, the VIPR teams made 8,800 unauthorized passes at Americans in 2012 in addition to and completely separate from all the gropey and unconstitutional TSA searches that were conducted in 2012.

If you have read the Constitution, you know there is no “Grope or Scan” clause allowing government employees to feel you up, unannounced and without probable cause. VIPR security processes are in violation of the law of the land, specifically the Fourth Amendment, which states:

“The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.”

Comedy Central host Stephen Colbert summed up the TSA’s VIPR program on his August 13 show: “There is one group that is always dishing out the frisky buffet: The TSA. Because they have the safety of this nation in the palms of their hands.”

We run into enough creepers at the airport as it is. I am pretty sure none of us want to give up an even bigger chunk of our paychecks so that the government can send VIPR creepers in blue latex gloves after us everywhere we go—from the D.C. Metro to the rodeo. Can I get an Amen on that, brothers and sisters?