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Good Catholics, Bad Catholics, and White Colonizers

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of
Tom Williams/Pool via AP

I grew up surrounded by Catholics, although I am not one. In junior high and high school, because my last name begins with the letter "D," I'd be seated near a Defeo, Degruttola, Deloreto, DiCorleto, DeNapoli, and Donatelli, as well as a Gozzo, Maglieri, Montineri, Petrucelli, Picozzi, Spera, and so on. All guys, Italian descent, and all Catholic. Some became decades-long friends with whom I am regularly in touch.  

Also in junior high and high school – a McCormack, Murtaugh, O’Loughlin, Newlands, and Wain. All female, English or Irish descent, and all Catholic. From an early age, my world view was that Catholics are good. Only this week did I learn about fundamentally bad Catholics. 

The Good and Bad Among Us

Democrat presidential nominee Joe Biden is a good Catholic. How do I know? No damning reports of his Catholicism appear in The New York Times, which offers all the news ‘fit to print,’ or in the 143-year old The Washington Post. So Biden must be good. Besides, MSNBC and CNN have had no round table discussions or guest panels decrying Biden's religious worship. What’s more, NPR has heaped praise upon him in a feature titled, How Joe Biden's Faith Shapes His Politics. So that settles it!

Likewise, Nancy Pelosi is a good Catholic. How so? The aforementioned major media haven't ripped Pelosi on her faith and, indeed, The New York Times praised her in a 2015 feature titled, In Pelosi, Strong Catholic Faith and Abortion Rights Coexist. With that kind of coverage, who could possibly question her religious status and fitness for office? 

Now, consider Judge Amy Coney Barrett. She is a bad Catholic, likely a very bad Catholic. How do I know? A variety of mainstream media reports, columnists, features, opinion letters, and letters to the editor have said so. Apparently, she's been doing something very wrong, for her whole life, ergo she must be a bad Catholic. So we have no choice but to conclude that she probably is unqualified to be a Supreme Court Justice. 

Ms. Barrett ‘hates your uterus’ ladies, and could well be a secret "Stepford Wife." I know these things because I just read articles about them. Only good Catholics, as certified by worldwide media, belong in high office, and Amy Coney Barrett is clearly a bad Catholic.

Great Catholics of Recent History?

I'm wondering: Was John F. Kennedy a good Catholic or bad Catholic? He must have been a good Catholic – after all, he was elected president. Once elected, he received favorable treatment from the press, even in the face of bewildering errors and close calls, such as the Bay of Pigs and the Cuban Missile Crisis. 

Although JFK was a sexaholic who frequently had multiple prostitutes running up to his hotel rooms, when he was on the road, he was given kid-glove treatment. Anyway, that doesn’t matter, it’s all settled; he was a good Catholic.

Robert F. Kennedy was a good Catholic as well. He had 11 children. Also, he seemed to be a good husband, although he had an affair with Marilyn Monroe following JFK's affair with Marilyn Monroe. We won’t discuss the night Marilyn died...

Ted Kennedy must have been a good Catholic, too. In Massachusetts, he was elected eight times for the U.S. Senate, even though Ted left poor Mary Jo Kopechne in his submerged car for nine hours. Mary Jo eventually suffocated – she did not drown: She was alive and struggling, perhaps for hours, after he abandoned her. He could have saved her. 

Ted was a notorious cheater in college, and a life-long womanizer like his brother Jack, but offered a feature titled, Ted Kennedy called a man of quiet faith.   

Also, Time Magazine offered an extensive article titled, Ted Kennedy's Quiet Catholic Faith. Hmm, how did they decide on that title? Anyway, I guess that settles it. Ted was a good Catholic. Have you heard otherwise? 

Caucasians Who Colonize

White adults who adopt black children are good Caucasians. Consider Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt when they were together, but even apart, they still remain caring parents. Sandra Bullock, Charlize Theron, Katherine Heigl, Hugh Jackman, Steven Spielberg, and Madonna all have adopted black children, and are good Caucasians, unquestionably.

Amy Coney Barrett, and her husband, with their two adopted Haitian children, however, are bad Caucasians. How can this be? Well, as one professor duly noted, the Barretts exhibit ‘white colonial mentality.’ Ibram X. Kendi is a key advocate of ‘racist critical race theory.’ He wrote the recent book, How to Be an Antiracist. For the crime of adopting two Haitian children, Mr. Kendi says Amy Coney Barrett and her husband are white supremacists. Kendi notes that, "Some white colonizers ‘adopted’ black children to civilize such savages in the ‘superior’ ways of white people. White colonizing parents use these children as ‘props in their lifelong pictures of denial.’" 

That seals it. For the crimes of being a bad Catholic and a white colonizer, Amy Coney Barrett must be denied a place on the Supreme Court. 

Perhaps President Trump can find a good Catholic, somewhere.

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