In the event that there are more “Vester Lee Flanagans” out there in the Untied States of The Overly Offended who're ready to snap because the world won’t recognize them as God’s gift to humanity, and yet, you’re not completely sold on the murder/suicide option: herewith are six surefire points to move you back into reality and officially remove you from being The Mayor of Mangina-town and into the rarefied air of a combobulated human.
1. Drop the “poor you” crap, especially, if you live in America. If you live in the USA you ... are ... not ... suffering. So quit crying. Oh, and speaking of not crying here's a big FYI to you: most employers I know don’t want some screecher who bleats about going over molehills in the Garden of Eden. Therefore, play the man if you truly wish to draw the attention of a company that’s worth its salt. And definitely don’t do videos, tweets or Facebook posts where you bray to the masses that you’re an unhinged, pitiful ass.
2. Get a vision. Visionaries who want to slay a dragon, save a nation and right a wrong are attractive. Solipsistic me-monkeys are repugnant to people of note. Look, God didn’t call you to be a navel gazer. So, go out into the desert and get aligned with your eternal purpose – and if for some reason your antenna isn’t picking up on God’s higher calling for you, there’s plenty of things currently bigger than your dipstick life to get involved with that’ll help God and country. Get lost in them and, even if you look like Napoleon Dynamite, your passion will make you magnetic.
3. If you really want a great job, then don’t be a jerk to everyone you come in contact with. Duh. Vester The Killer got crapped on, according to his multiple employers and his workmates, because he was an insufferable boor with a chip on his shoulder that was bigger than Rosie O'Donnell's beer gut. If you want the stellar gig then forego being the company's Costanza.
4. Instead of pining like a charter member of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely-Hearts Club Band, use that time to read books and start with the Classics. After you plow through the Classics read the awesome tome titled, How Not To Be A Pathetic & Murderous Punk. Also, read bios of people who went through true difficulties instead of imagined ones like you're bemoaning and follow simple shampoo instructions, namely: lather, rinse and repeat their indefatigable spirit instead of rolling up in the fetal position and wetting your gigantic entitlement diaper.
5. Spend time with God. Get your identity from Him, not culture, and certainly not from some slick-haired grievance monger like Al Sharpton.
6. Embrace rejection and pain. That stuff Vester squealed about in his “manifesto” is an homage to the “poor little me” industry. Rejection and pain is the way of life, hombre. That’s why God created beer.
Lastly, getting rebuffed by employers is the standard for young dorks. It’s the way of the jungle, Dinky. Get used to it and get busy bettering yourself and the planet … and do us all a favor and shut the %@&# up.
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