Here are my 10 Commandments for my daughter’s potential boyfriends.
Please facebook, email and tweet this list and my accompanying new video to dads who do not want their daughters to ever date or marry Lil Wayne, Charlie Sheen, Beavis or Butthead.
Commandment I. Thou shall understand that your presence doesn't make me happy. And know this: I've got a PI doing a background check on you at this moment.
Commandment II. Thou had better have a life. I have worked my butt off providing a good life for my daughter; therefore, you better have one, Spanky.
Commandment III. Thou shall not touch my daughter. If you do, I'll smash your hands and your mommy will have to help you gel your Justin Bieber haircut.
Commandment IV. Thou shall look me in the eye and shake my hand like a man. And turn off your damn cell phone.
Commandment V. Thou shall understand that you are a boy talking to a man. Do not gush around me or attempt to read me an entry from your journal. I'm not Oprah. I am a Neanderthal.
Commandment VI. Thou shall know that our family is old school. Do not even think about approaching me with liberal, hippie, agnostic, atheistic, anti-American or tree-humping bull crap.
Commandment VII. Thou shall know that I like cool and expensive gifts. You'd be shrewd to approach me like the three wise men did Baby Jesus, namely with gold, frankincense and myrrh.
Commandment VIII. Thou shall understand that if you're dumb enough to tell me a dirty joke, I'm comfortable enough with kicking your ass.
Commandment IX. Thou shall keep your word. If you say you're going to do something, then I expect you to do it.
Commandment X. Thou shall memorize commandments I - IX. Yep, your best bet, home slice, is to both memorize and practice these commandments because I am Dad Almighty!
Parents, if you’d like an awesome full-color, punk-scaring poster of my 10 Commandments for Your Daughter’s Potential Boyfriends to grace your entryway, man cave or office, click here. Be afraid, scrubs. Be afraid.