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Gay Marriage Will Make Mother’s Day Quite Perplexing

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

I think I speak for most heterosexual males when I say I’m not homophobic but chick-o-centric. Let’s keep it positive, okay? It’s not that we dislike gays … it’s just that we really like girls. It seems no matter how long we spend in PC rehab compliantly undergoing the most stringent psychotherapy to rid ourselves of our knee-jerk to your mate choice, the simple fact is that heterosexual guys don’t “get” gays.

Heck, we don’t understand women. What makes you think we’ll ever understand a man who doesn’t like women yet acts like Richard Simmons? You just rifled right over our heads. In addition, not only are most men incapable of comprehending what a man sees in another man, we also don’t care to try to because The Bucks of Tecomate is on—so can we all just shut the hell up with the gay stuff and watch David hammer a ginormous 12-pointer with double drop tines?

Please, PC police, you’re wasting your time on the heterosexual tribe trying to get us to green light that which is incomprehensible to us. Just like the homosexual, we are quite happy with our sexual bent and our own world, so leave us alone, por favor.

Now, this doesn’t mean that heterosexuals be hatin’; it simply means we’re focused on women, which by fiat causes our paths of camaraderie to part. No, this is not a phobia and doesn’t mean we have a Clay Aiken voodoo doll. It’s just the funk of nature from which there is no evolving.

Speaking of evolving, this week Obama “evolved” in his opposition to gay marriage. That’s rich. The next thing you know he’ll have his hit men at WaPo try to pitch Mitt as a gay hater by citing a sketchy incident from Romney’s high school days. What? They just did? See, I told you so. And call me weird, but I’d be careful, folks, with any “evolution” on matrimony that parts paths with the Son of God’s definition of marriage (Matthew 19:3-9). But that’s just me—and 98% of people inhabiting the earth from time immemorial.

That said, in the spirit of continuing diplomatic relations with homosexuals, you, the gay person, have to help me out a little bit. If girls are so icky and men are so mondo-jovial, why do you and a lot of your reps take on feminine mannerisms and dress? I would think that if you were going to be gay you would at least be a man about it.

It’s the same thing with many lesbians. I don’t get you. When I hear you speak it’s always, “Men suck. Men are beasts. Women rule,” yet some of you ladies dress and act like men. You wear men’s Dockers and Polos and have a short man’s haircut. You look more like Al Franken than you do a woman. One would think that a lesbian would embrace femininity in all its glory kinda like Al Gore cuddles junk science. Where am I going wrong?

And lastly, when it comes to the topic of gay marriage I don’t have a problem with it unless, of course, Liza Minnelli remarries David Gest. I am vehemently opposed to allowing that circus to come back to town.

Seriously, I don’t have a problem with gay marriage as long as you don’t call it “marriage,” taxpayers don’t have to pay for it, and you inform us up front who the “female” is in the relationship. (Should you decide to adopt, that detail will assist us in buying Mother’s Day gifts for the special … uh … um … man.) Which brings up another imminent cultural conundrum: I guess we’ll soon have to dispense with Mother’s Day altogether, right? It’s either that or retail stores will have to modify their Mother’s Day product lines to accommodate the gents now on the list.

Geez … evolving is complicated.

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