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Young Voters: Obama’s a Cool President, and You’re a Broke Clod Living with Mommy

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.

Obama appeared on Jimmy Fallon’s show this past week and did a slow jam with Fallon and his house band—a brilliant move by the Entertainer-in-Chief. I thought it was both funny and smart.

From a comedy perspective, it was well-written and well-performed by Obama, Fallon and The Roots. In terms of cleverness, it was shrewd in that the young people who watch Jimmy’s show probably don’t—or won’t—follow the manifold ways BHO has hammered the U.S. through his policies, and the majority of them love to laugh.

Ignorance + a Funny Bone = Ripe Pickings for the President.

So, from a propaganda angle, I believe Barack nailed a three-pointer; couch the lie between music and comedy, and boom … it won’t even touch the net! If they don’t wake up, Obama will get the same kids who bought a plate of economic crap from him in ‘08 asking for seconds in 2012 just because he’s hip.

Isn’t the definition of “insanity” voting for the same inept president and expecting a different result? Anyway ...

This means that if Romney is going to win the youth vote, given their adoration of pop culture and their ignorance of the fact that he can actually help them make money, his handlers had better bring him to hipster speed if he wants to capture this young demo’s ferret-like attention span.

Herewith are a few ideas I’ve sketched down for Mitt to get hip for the voting kiddos:

1. Have Mitt hang out with Snoop Dogg for one month so Calvin can teach him the way of the Dogg. Snoop could help make Mitt’s vocabulary cool, West Coast style. I suggest Snoop stay with him until Romney automatically refers to himself as The Mizzile Romnizzie and his campaign slogan changes from “Believe in America” to “Obama Iz You High? Becuz You’ve Jack Things Up, Dawg.”

2. Have Mitt work on his wardrobe—especially his accessories. I’m thinking he should start rocking a huge Flavor Flav-sized Moroni medallion and just own his Mormonism. Matter of fact, he should have someone dress up in head-to-toe gold like Moroni and blow a trumpet to introduce him before he speaks. Mitt should also get an attitude about his faith so that when some snarky MSNBC host maligns it he says something to the effect of, “You wanna talk smack about my religion? I hope your life insurance is paid up, punk, because I’m about to dot your eyes, home slice.” Kids love attitude. Everything smells, so attitude sells. #winning

3. Have Mitt join Ted Nugent and me for a massive skeet shoot where we switch the clay pigeons with Celine Dion CDs and have Hooters girls work the skeet towers. At the end of the shoot Mitt, Ted and I could blow up a huge Ahmadinejad mannequin with Barrett .50cals while AC/DC plays “Thunderstruck” to the 20,000 patriots in attendance.

4. Have Mitt openly take two Patrón tequila shots before each presidential debate. In addition, he should wear gold over-sized Ray-Ban Clubmasters during the contest while chewing on a cigar and belly laughing like the Joker every time Obama lies.

My thoughts behind this strategy for Mitt getting hip is that if he rivals Barack in the cool quotient then the deciding factor come November for this spry voting block might be Obama’s abysmal economic record and how he has woefully failed to deliver what he sold college kids on three-and-a-half years ago.

Yep, it might start to dawn on them that, sure, Obama is cool, he can sing a mean Al Green, and it’d be awesome to have a beer with him … but unfortunately, they can’t because:

• They’re broke.
• There are no jobs.
• They can’t drive to the pub because gas is so expensive.
• They are living in mommy’s basement.
• And their lives suck worse than Rosie O’Donnell extracting the jam out of a jelly doughnut.

This realization, in turn, might turn them off from putting the premium on cool and convince them to start examining which candidate has a better record, betwixt the twain, to stabilize our economy, stop the massive bleeding, and create jobs, wealth and opportunity. At the end of the day, a prosperous America is truly cool, and being a broke-ass college scrub, well … that sucks.

Speaking of cool, watch my latest video about Justin Bieber’s haircut here.

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