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OPINION

If We Let Seattle Go, Would You Even Miss it?

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.
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Be honest, if we let the mutant mob have Seattle, would you really miss it? We’ve already gotten all the good music out of it, coffee is everywhere, so what else do they bring to the table? If you feel as though you missed your chance to visit the Space Needle, they have a similar enough tower in Toronto. And you can catch scabies in any number of third world countries with much better climates. So I say, let them have it.

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For that matter, give them the whole state. They inflicted Microsoft on the country, so think of leaving them to the wolves as revenge for whatever version of Windows last crashed on you, which is to say whatever the latest version of Windows there is. Toss in Oregon, too, because what good has ever come from Oregon?

That’s an honest question. I’m sure they’ve added something besides trees, I just have no idea what it is. Nor do I care. Whatever it is (beaver pelts, maybe?), I’ll happily forego to create whatever they end up calling a country that will undoubtedly be a magnet for like-minded leftists, thereby ridding this country of a significant percentage of those carcinogens known as progressives.

Let them create Utopia, or at least see how it goes.

Right now, the mutants only have the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone, or “CHAZ,” since few of them likely know how to spell most of those words, in downtown Seattle. Described as a “block party” or “festival,” depending on whether the Democrat discussing it is an elected city official or a journalist at a major network, this area is fully dependent upon the city for all its services. If they were ceded a larger area, they would have the infrastructure needed to last longer and could welcome more citizens, unburdening the rest of us, at least until they come begging for our help.

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They’d need a new name, obviously. It wouldn’t be a small neighborhood anymore and calling their citizens “CHAZes” sounds stupid. Their natural inclination would be to name it “The Democratic People’s Republic of” something or other, maybe “Che Guevara,” so they wouldn’t have to buy new t-shirts or get their tramp stamp tattoos changed. But that doesn’t really roll off the tongue.

I have a suggestion: the nation of Childish Humans Under Democracy. I think that captures what they’re trying to do, plus citizens could easily be called CHUDs. Yes, there will be some confusion between them and the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers from the 80s movie C.H.U.D., but how many countries already have a readymade tourism video that so accurately depicts what a vacation there would be like?

Logistically, there would need to be a transition period – the potential CHUDs in the ceded area would have to decide if they wanted to stay or move to the United States. Considering who they’ve elected, only a few would likely choose to leave, so the process shouldn’t take too long. Plus, we have to allow enough time for CNN, MSNBC, and most newspapers to secure buildings large enough to house their corporate headquarters. Surely they wouldn’t want to miss out on what they helped birth.

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Citizenship in this country would have to be renounced or revoked, naturally, by any CHUDs wishing to stay or move there – a small price to pay for a life of communal joy without police. They’d have to establish a currency, maybe pinecones, bars of soap, or some other objects for which they’d have no use otherwise.

How they choose to defend themselves from invasion from Canada will be up to them, but it’s unlikely our neighbors to the north would want them any more than we do.

We can establish official diplomatic relations as soon as they decide who’ll hold the conch shell, or whatever way they come up with to determine who their leader is.

The rest of their dream world they can work out over time, on their own.

I’d give it a few months, which is probably optimistic, but I figure even a few million CHUDs couldn’t screw things up to the point of literal cannibalism in less than eight weeks. I could be wrong. Since professional hacky sack, competitive granola eating, and accusing everyone of being a racist aren’t exactly growth industries, I suspect their economy wouldn’t exactly last very long.

Liberal billionaires would pony up a little seed money, but their objective is to ruin this country, not be exposed as frauds. They can’t get richer throwing good money after bad trying to devalue a currency with no value to begin with.

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No matter what happens, it’ll be a fun little experiment to watch. All it would cost us is some square miles and the will to let it play out. Oh, and the cost of a border wall. They will have made their Utopia. They can lie in it.

After three months of lockdowns, what’s a few more without a couple of states? So let Seattle go. Better that than allowing the poison that is progressivism to continue to metastasize here and take out the whole country.

Derek Hunter is the host of a free daily podcast (subscribe!), host of a daily radio show on WCBM in Maryland, and author of the book, Outrage, INC., which exposes how liberals use fear and hatred to manipulate the masses. Follow him on Twitter at @DerekAHunter.

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