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Making a Federal FOIA Request? Good Luck!

And Now A Word From 'Anonymous'

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of
AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite

Editor's Note: The piece below is satirical in nature.

Every once in a while, I step back and let someone else, someone with something important to say, write some or all of this column. This time it’s someone the whole world is waiting to hear from – the unnamed “senior Trump administration official” who has a book coming out next week that has the media drooling in anticipation of what they’re written.

The following is copied and pasted from an email “anonymous” sent to me:

Derek, it’s me, anonymous. How’s it going? Haven’t seen you since *blank* (Sorry, can’t tell you when or if we’ve even met since it might be used to identify me).

I’ve heard some of your criticisms of my work and wanted to address a few of the points you made.

First, you wondered why I haven’t come forward. If my fear of what the president is doing to the country is so real, why not take a principled stand, resign, and speak publicly about what I’ve seen?

It’s a valid question, but misses the point. If I were to do that, I would never work again. Okay, I’d never work in government again, and I have to make a living, right? I’d be stuck having to live off my book advance and royalties, the money from the movie rights I’ll soon sell, and the contents of the Brinks trucks CNN and MSNBC would dump on my lawn every month to make me a contributor, plus the speaking fees I’d get traveling the country giving commencement addresses and paid speeches on college campuses. As you can see, that’d be tough as it would only net me maybe $10-$20 million.

The D.C. area has a high cost of living, as you know, so I’m not willing to make that sacrifice. As is clear from my New York Times piece last year and my book, and in my heart, I am a patriot – perhaps the most patriotic person alive – and I am very concerned for my country. And sure, I love my country and fear that the President is ruining it, but I hate moving more. Packing sucks, am I right?

Second, you pointed out how, as I stated in my Times column, I stayed working in the Trump administration because I was part of a group of people trying to keep the President in line. Then, in my book I said it’s impossible to keep him in line. I don’t appreciate you asking why I’m staying anonymous and keeping my job even though the reason I gave for doing so is now one I claim is no longer valid. It undercuts my credibility, which is already limited, and could hurt book sales which, you know as an author yourself, is everything. I’m already 3 chapters into sequel, not meeting the high sales expectations will harm my advance for the next one. Coming up with this stuff is hard.

Third, I want to be clear: I do not have a “God complex.” God has rules, I don’t. People doubt the existence of God, everyone knows I am real. I don’t want to be God, God doesn’t get the kind of glowing press I about to get. Plus, I wouldn’t take the pay cut.

But, and I want to be crystal clear about this, I’m not doing this for the money. It’s nice, sure, but my calling is higher. To prove that point, I am donating a portion of fortune I’m about to get to charity, important charities like the White House Correspondents Association. I won’t say how much of a portion, but a portion is more than none.

And yes, I could have chosen a charity that actually helps people who are suffering, but unlike members of the WHCA, no one from the American Cancer Society has written one glowing piece promoting my upcoming book, for example. Plus, they hate Trump as much as I do.

Fourth and final, leave me alone. It doesn’t matter that what I say can’t be proven, what matters is it can’t be disproven. It’s being reported, without question, that I write in my book that the president “stumbles, slurs, gets confused, is easily irritated, and has trouble synthesizing information, not occasionally but with regularity.” The guy gives speeches at rallies for an hour and a half and none of that shows, but what I wrote wasn’t questioned. No President have ever been more accessible to the press than he has and there’s nothing close to anything I claimed in any of it. Yet, no one points any of this out because they want it to be true, they need it to be true.

In closing, you may find out who I really am one day and that I’ve made all this up. By then, it will be too late. My story is already creeping into the public consciousness, before anyone’s read all of it, and it’ll live on there. Which is really the point. Well, that and the money. I mean, not the money, this isn’t about money.



PS: I’m not going to dignify a lot of the other allegations against me with a response. I will neither confirm nor deny there was any incidents with a gerbil, rabbit, or any other small-to-mid-sized woodland creatures. Regardless, if any were involved in something people might deem less than wholesome, I assure you that implied consent was given. I do the judging, I will not be judged.

This obviously didn't happen, or did it? Since no one knows who this person is, it has every chance of being as real as the book that will dominate the new for the next few weeks, and that makes it as real as the news itself.

Derek is the host of a free daily podcast (subscribe!), host of a daily radio show on WCBM in Maryland, and author of the book, Outrage, INC., which exposes how liberals use fear and hatred to manipulate the masses.

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