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Revealed: Conservatives Have Escape Plan for When They Destroy the Earth

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

Well, the secret is out. Conservatives' willingness to destroy Mother Earth in pursuit of financial gain now makes sense.

The missing fact that helps explain the seemingly inexplicable willingness of Conservatives to destroy the planet was revealed last week by former astronaut Dr. Edgar Mitchell. You may or may not remember Mitchell as the astronaut who holds the record for the longest moonwalk.

Dr. Mitchell has broken a long-standing wall of silence and revealed that our government-and governments around the world-have been in secret contact with alien beings from another planet. Mitchell revealed the aliens to be "little people who look strange to us."

Mitchell still refuses to put a name to cigarette-smoking man and other top government officials in on the conspiracy, but details are sure to follow. We can surely know that they are a cabal of neoconservatives.

The details don't matter as much as this one fact: we now know why conservatives have felt free to destroy the Earth. They have negotiated passage to a new, better, and cleaner world elsewhere in the Universe!

Those little grey men with the big eyes and short, lithe bodies probably drove a hard bargain for passage to a new world. Who knows how many DVD players and Plasma TVs it took to entice them to open up their world to human settlement? It may even be that conservatives' insistence on opening up ANWR and the continental shelf to oil drilling is part of their plan to pay off the aliens

How else to explain conservatives'' propensity to doubt the wild claims of environmentalists about the imminent destruction of the planet? Conservatives first ignored Rachel Carson and her warnings about the coming "Silent Spring" that would follow from capitalism's raping of Mother Earth. Now conservatives are casting doubt on the claims that the Earth's climate is ultimately driven by mankind's reckless burning of fossil fuels.

So-called "progressives" tell us that there is, and can be, no doubt about mankind's destructive impact on global climate. And they warn us incessantly about the flooding, hurricanes, desertification, and even earthquakes (yes earthquakes!) that will be caused by global warming. "The Earth has a fever," we are told, and anybody who questions that fact is a "denier" in the mold of holocaust deniers.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi herself declared she was on a crusade to "save the planet"-presumably from we conservatives who want to destroy it.

The question many people had on their mind as they gave conservatives the benefit of the doubt was: how can conservatives actually be willing to abide the destruction of the planet, given that it and its climate will be the primary inheritance we leave our children and grandchildren?

Now the answer is out: Conservatives' children will NOT be inheritors of planet Earth. As Dr. Edgar Mitchell's revelations suggest, conservatives will have a whole new planet to escape to once they finish destroying our home planet.

See, once all the facts are out, the seemingly feverish conspiracy theories of the left suddenly make sense. Once you understand that conservatives intend to leave poor Planet Earth behind (along with its billions of residents who cannot escape) the picture suddenly comes into focus.

My only question is: why haven't I been invited to join the conservative exodus once it gets under way?

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