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Top Ten Reasons Gitmo Should Be on Alcatraz

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.

When I heard about the possibility that the terrorist detention camp at Guantanamo Bay Naval Base (Gitmo) will move to Alcatraz Island in the middle of the San Francisco Bay, I got excited. Ideas from economic stimuli to renewed patriotism started flooding my mind.

Here are the top 10 reasons I believe Gitmo should be moved to Alcatraz:

10. D-Block. Not the hip-hop group, but the row of solitary confinement cells at Alcatraz. Need I say more? (Of course, "Gitmo and the Golden Gates" might make a hit rap song, too.)

9. It is rumored that "Dirty Harry" (Clint Eastwood's notoriously tough San Francisco cop character) still roams the streets with his .44 Magnum. Would terrorists really try to escape if he were across the bay? Do they feel that lucky? Well, do they?

8. It would give Congress something better on which to spend those hundreds of billions of dollars in bailout money than the absolute waste of more Wall Street bonuses and partisan pork.

7. My buddy the Governator needs a bailout, and the new "Hasta la Vista, Alcatraz" tour could be a gigantic boost for California tourism.

6. It's about time for a sequel to "Escape From Alcatraz," called "Bet Your A-- That You Better Stay on 'The Rock.'"

5. Tony Bennett wants to produce his new smash single, "I Left My Terrorist in San Francisco."

4. The only text in the prison library and school would be my latest book, "Black Belt Patriotism -- How to Reawaken America," with daily memory tests to see whether the detainees can recite the appendices containing the Declaration of Independence, our Constitution and the Ten Commandments.

3. Because House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., was a big advocate for Gitmo's closing and seeing as her district includes Alcatraz Island, let her deal with its aftermath. Pelosi even could help guard the captives with binoculars from her San Francisco high-rise.

2. Recently commuted border agents Ignacio Ramos and Jose Alonso Compean need new jobs and are willing to train and head up Alcatraz's new team of correctional officers.

1. I'm volunteering to be the new warden, and I pledge to make "The Rock" a Chucktatorship.

Are you with me?

All joking aside, remember when America was known as being tough and compassionate? Will we now polarize from waterboarding to being pantywaists?

Do most really believe it makes sense to shut down Gitmo for world adulation, while we possibly put Americans at greater risk by relocating these jihadists within our borders?

Is Time magazine serious when it suggests six possible domestic military facilities, from New York City to San Diego, as the new home for these enemies of the state?

Was Rep. John Murtha, D-Pa., serious when he told Fox News last week that he'd offer his own district as a future dwelling place for the 245 Gitmo terrorist detainees? He said: "Sure, I'd take them. They're no more dangerous in my district than in Guantanamo. … There's no reason not to put them in prisons in the United States and handle them the way they would handle any other prisoners."

Do Americans really want terrorists -- such as Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the mastermind of 9/11 -- on our soil?!

In Robert Spencer's excellent new book, "Stealth Jihad," he documents well how radical Islam is subverting America via intentional and pervasive subtleties throughout our culture. Rather than crashing into our buildings with planes, they're breaking down every stratum of society using our tolerance and passivity. Rather than overpowering America through combat, they are influencing Americans of all ages by saturating the soils of our minds that there is nothing to fear from extreme Islam's theology or presence. We've shifted from protecting Americans to defending the terrorists. Our universally accommodative spirit literally is opening the doors for those who seek to destroy us, and Gitmo is just more proof of that.

While we worry about the way the rest of the world sees us, we are stomping upon the souls of Americans. Have we forgotten so quickly? Can our politicians not see? Have we lost our 9/11 minds? Gitmo's closing and future relocation reflects upon the families and friends of those precious souls who sacrificed everything on the battlefields of the Middle East, in the Twin Towers, on Flight 93 and at the Pentagon. We've memorialized their sacrifices; let's not bury their memory.

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