My fellow Americans,
Tonight I want to speak to you from the heart, and without the aid of a teleprompter. No, really, let’s try it and see what happens.
In short, we’re up crap creek without a paddle. Things have deteriorated so badly on my watch we’re going to have to change the national motto from “in God we trust” to “paddle faster, I hear banjos.”
Just look at the numbers.
- 6.5 million Americans have quit looking for work. That’s more than the total population of 33 of our 57 states.
- Food stamp recipients have increased by 46%, and there are now more Americans on food stamps than the total population of Spain.
- Health insurance costs have risen by 17%, and that’s before the full costs of my healthcare “reform” bill are fully realized.
- The price of gas is up 79%.
- The federal debt has increased by 55%.
That’s not even counting what I’ve done to the country on a cultural level. I’ve used the power of my office to advance anti-American ideals like redefining marriage, violating religious liberty and freedom of conscience, and I’ve purposefully omitted the mention of God or our Creator from our historical citations numerous times.
Then there’s what I’ve done to the country constitutionally. I’ve essentially engaged in America’s first outright imperial presidency, bypassing the rule of law altogether to issue more executive orders than Jimmy Carter’s brother had pills.
As a result, only 29% of Americans believe the country is headed on the right track, while almost two-thirds of you that haven’t bought into my cult of personality do not. You’re the smart ones.
The inconvenient truth here is no one is more surprised at the epic fail of my administration than I am. Some nights I lay awake and wish I really was out to purposefully destroy the country as some of my detractors believe. But if that were the case, I wouldn’t have been caught with my knickers down around my ankles in public last fall when we spent $90 million on an Obamacare website that didn’t work. Did you watch Kathleen Sebelius’ testimony? Did that come across like it was scripted by a sinister mastermind to you?
Some nights I lay awake and wish I really was the Muslim sympathizer some of my detractors believe I am. Because then I wouldn’t have been caught off-guard by Jihadists storming our Libyan embassy, and compelled my entire administration to lie about this saddest chapter of my tenure in order to cover up how dangerously naïve I am about the world and our enemies.