I'm getting sick and tired of people asking me why I'm running for president in 2016. The answer is that I have to run. The GOP can't run another big government establishment candidate masquerading as a true conservative. So I'm stepping up to the plate. And I'm going to win, largely because my policies will appeal to young people, libertarians, and Reagan Democrats. But that’s enough of the generalities. Here are the twelve specific changes you can expect when I become your 45th president.
1. Passing the 28th Amendment. There is a proposed 28th Amendment floating around the Internet. It reads: "Congress shall make no law that applies to the citizens of the United States that does not apply equally to the Senators and Representatives; and, Congress shall make no law that applies to the Senators and Representatives that does not apply equally to the citizens of the United States."
Unfortunately, the proposed amendment is considered to be an "urban legend" by various websites. Its origins are not even perfectly clear. But I think someone needs to take this idea and run with it and turn it from an urban legend into a reality. I don't care whether the idea came from Warren Buffet or Jimmy Buffet. I'll be inaugurated on a Friday. But come Monday I will be pushing this idea from the bully pulpit.
2. Replacing the IRS with the Fair Tax. In June, I buried the hatchet with Neal Boortz. After two years of bickering over abortion, I realized I needed him to join my presidential administration as Secretary of Treasury. He says he's going into retirement to fly airplanes. But I need him to push for the implementation of the Fair Tax and the abolition of the IRS. So I'm going to let him fly Air Force One as an incentive to come out of retirement. I hope it works. I plan to fire, not hire, thousands of IRS agents in the aftermath of Obamacare. That is because I believe the IRS is not a "service." It's more like a terrorist organization. If the agents agree to leave quietly, I promise not to send them to Gitmo.
3. Drilling in ANWR. I once heard a politician say it would do no good to drill in ANWR because we could not start drawing oil for a decade. But that was over a decade ago. So I'm moving forward. Some say we can only rely on ANWR for a few decades worth of oil. Nonsense! Plus, they fail to realize that if we continue to rely on the Middle East for oil there will be no United States left in a few decades.