Mike Adams
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when they aren’t attending masturbation workshops and orgasm awareness festivals on unc campuses, our feminist “scholars” are usually thinking of new words to ban in order to make womyn feel more comfortable in the workplace. recently, one of the sociologists at unc-wilmington actually banned the use of the term “mankind” because of its “sexist” overtones.

having recently been named as a defendant in a lawsuit alleging first amendment retaliation, dr. (name deleted to ensure maximum comfort) still seems undeterred. but i write today, not for the purpose of ridiculing this seemingly outlandish feminist censorship. in fact, i’ve decided to join in with some new class rules i’ll use from now on (but not NOW on).

1. all capital letters will be banned. for some feminists, capital letters are a reminder of an erect penis. so, from now on, all my class correspondence will have erectile dysfunction. i regret that i cannot take credit for this idea. it has already been employed by feminists at appalachian state university (sociology department) and unc-chapel hill (english department).

2. i will also ban the word “man,” replacing it with the word “person.” In fact, wherever the letters “m,” “a,” and “n” appear consecutively within a word, they will be replaced with the word “person.” This will be difficult but we will person-age. Some examples follow:

democrats tend to favor unfunded government person-dates.

ann coulter’s support of hillary clinton is a silly publicity person-euver.

i’ve got obama person-ia, largely because of my two-digit iq.

hillary clinton wants to be the first to get a person-icure in the oval office, though not the first to be pleasured in the oval office.

good person-ners and bad breath will get you nowhere.

karl marx co-wrote the communist person-ifesto, which is required reading in most gender studies programs.

bill clinton used to fondle women in the governor’s person-sion.

and, finally, we have too person-y person-hating feminists teaching in our universities today.

3. i will also ban the word “his,” replacing it with the word “her.” In fact, wherever the letters “h,” “i,” (or, when appropriate, “y”) and “s” appear consecutively within a word, they will be replaced with the word “hers.” T-hers could be a difficult task. Some examples follow:

i really dig hers-panic women, especially jessica alba.

hers-tory shows that fdr really was surrounded by communist spies.

alger hers-s was one of them.

she had to go to the hospital to get a hers-terectomy.

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Mike Adams

Mike Adams is a criminology professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington and author of Letters to a Young Progressive: How To Avoid Wasting Your Life Protesting Things You Don't Understand.