New York City is Perfect!

Michael Schaus
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Posted: Mar 07, 2013 12:01 AM

He has finally done it. Mayor Michael Bloomberg has finally conquered all the ills that have plagued New York City. At least, that’s the only reasonable explanation for his latest initiative. Bloomberg has already managed to snuff out cigarettes on both private and public property; he successfully outlawed any cup larger than 16 ounces; and he has even managed to put Styrofoam in the cross hairs of New York City health regulators by announcing that “our planet is too important” to allow you the convenience of a handy, yet disposable, to-go cup.

So, it’s pretty obvious the only thing Bloomberg has left to do (aside from looking into how a dozen people were thrown in front of oncoming subway cars in recent months) is brush off his hands and declare the city a utopian haven of unadulterated purity. (If you are reading this from one of the five Burroughs. . . Don’t worry. This is all sarcasm.)

But leave it to the man who cured all the ills that plague New York (with the exception of drug use, gang activity, prostitution, assault, I-phone burglary and the aforementioned subway deaths) to keep going in his quest to regulate the city into perfection. If you missed the news, it is probably because your I-pod was a little too loud. Mayor Bloomberg has announced a brand new $250,000 dollar campaign to warn the city’s youth about the danger of loud headphones. Good thing all the destruction and devastation from Super Storm Sandy is cleaned up; otherwise someone might accuse the Mayor of wasting money.

According to the New York Post, “The Hearing Loss Prevention Media Campaign will target teens and young adults, conducting focus-group interviews and using social-media sites like Facebook and Twitter. Bloomberg has had a bug about ear-splitting rackets since taking office at City Hall, making noise reduction one of his key quality-of-life initiatives.”

Noise reduction as a quality of life issue in New York City. . . Right. Because nothing is quite as tranquil as turning down the latest Alba MP3 to better hear the serene wailing of sirens, gentle blasts of the horn, and subtle screams of frightened tourists taking their first taxi ride. Especially if you can listen to that constant shuffle of the city without your Lucky Strike or 7-11 Big Gulp.

While a quarter million dollars is not much money in the grand scheme of things, the initiative illustrates the authoritarian nature of America’s most notorious mayor. Cut from the same cloth as many of the power hungry politicos in DC, Bloomberg insists you are too dumb to lead your own life. His citizens (or “subjects” if you want to rile some feathers) are too dumb to own guns. So, by and large, they are not permitted to do so. They are too dumb to understand there is a high probability of inhaling second-hand smoke in a smoking lounge. So he shut down the lounges, bars and restaurants that had allowed such activities. Then he targeted trans fats, sugar, and fast food because New Yorkers are too dumb to watch their own weight. He even put restrictions on texting while walking – because New York cab drivers are clearly not the reason so many pedestrians where getting run over in intersections. (Again. . . Sarcasm.)

So, there is only one of two reasons Bloomberg would allocate a pile of taxpayer dollars to such ventures. Either the illustrious mayor is overly concerned with making sure government interferes on virtually every level of your life, or he truly feels there is nothing left to work on in the city. Either mindset seems dangerous.

Maybe even more dangerous than a 20oz Mountain Dew.