I was shocked to learn that Al and Tipper Gore were going Splitsville and there was no other woman in the picture—no call girl, Argentinean divorcee, amateur videographer, or intern.
So I figured that since Al spends so much time on saving Planet Earth he probably doesn’t have time to find a date, so, because I am a professional writer, I’d write a personals ad for him.
Headline: Renaissance Man
Occupation: Rightful leader of the world, diplomat, inventor, scientist, poet
Political Views: One-world government
Religion: Spiritual but not religious.
Body type: muscular
Best physical feature: posture
Current Income: $150,000+/other
Family background: grandson of a Tennessee dirt farmer
Favorite sports: walking
Favorite color: beige
Favorite music: Barry Manilow
Favorite movies: anything by Michael Moore
Me and My Ideal Match: I believe in living life to the fullest, grasping that bronze ring, whether it’s the Nobel or the Presidency. I am a world traveler (on my own jet), but am sensitive to environmental issues (doing my share to protect Mother Earth with carbon credits from my own company). My ideal match should be able to slip into an evening gown and be ready to be wined and dined among some of the most powerful leaders in the non-Western world. But I am equally as happy to lounge around my cozy house and read poetry to that very special someone. (So make sure you have those natural-dyed organic cotton jammies ready!) I believe in heart-to-heart talks and expressing oneself with good articulation. Would you like to articulate with me? ; -)
Most dating advice columnists recommend meeting for “coffee,” because it offers a quick getaway if your date who describes her body type as “fit” turns out to be fit for sumo wrestling.
So I can imagine Al Gore waiting to meet a date for some nice shade-grown fair trade Bolivian Los Yungas.
She arrives. His perfect match! She is forty-five years old, decked out in an ensemble that shows off her yoga-toned figure. She tosses her blonde dreadlocks wantonly, but carries a sense of serenity from her Vipassana meditation session. She is unperturbed by the men in black sipping their lattes. Ankle bracelets make a merry noise with her arrival. She carries a copy of Al’s latest book, Our Choice: A Plan to Save the Climate Crisis, and starts off reciting,