Kurt  Schlichter

Can you feel the excitement? The Washington Post reports that all the important Republicans have decided that Jeb Bush is going to be our nominee in 2016. Phew, that’s a relief! If we had had a primary, we conservatives who actually do all the working and voting for the GOP might have had a say.

We sure can’t have that. In fact, this is the best news since the Establishment’s choice, President McCain, was reelected in 2012!

We conservatives need to understand that the rich donor/consultant class has only our best interests at heart. Sure, many of us second class Republicans are small business people or middle class parents struggling to make it in a country we built and defended. We feel the deck is stacked against us, and that our concerns are not only not shared by the GOP Establishment but are actively at odds with the wealthy elite that runs the party.

None of that is true. The truth is that we’re just stupid and selfish. Oh, and racist. Probably homophobic too. That includes gay conservatives.

Take amnesty. We conservatives shortsightedly think that amnesty and 30 million new citizens might cause social upheaval, dilute our votes and end up with us footing the bill for it. Like that matters! GOP Establishment figures such as Jeb understand that immigration reform means 30 million new workers who can displace Americans like us who insist on a decent wage, and who will be a ready market for the imported junk the captains of industry want to sell.

We conservatives need to think of someone else for once. And those someones are the zillionaires who support Jeb Bush. What about their needs?

Plus, Jeb speaks Spanish! The GOP Establishment knows that this will totally make Hispanics vote for him, because as they all know from that one time they talked to a Hispanic, all Hispanics are the same and are totally impressed when an Anglo guy busts out with “¡Hola!”

And don’t bring up the fact that Ted Cruz’s Spanish-speaking doesn’t seem like a selling point to liberal Hispanics. Cruz doesn’t have nearly the level of Latin authenticity that Jeb brings to la mesa.

By the way – Jeb! Isn’t that the kind of name us NASCAR people like? Oh, and Jeb totally digs country music artists like Taylor Nelson and Willie Swift. He’s one of us!

Kurt Schlichter

Kurt Schlichter (Twitter: @KurtSchlichter) was personally recruited to write conservative commentary by Andrew Breitbart. He is a successful Los Angeles trial lawyer, a veteran with a masters in Strategic Studies from the United States Army War College, and a former stand-up comic.