Doug Giles

What do you suppose would happen to Glenn Beck if he …

1. got Bo Derek cornrows

2. grew a scraggly Nubian Ibex-looking beard

3. borrowed Monica Lewinsky’s beret

4. put on some white Doc Martens

5. donned a New White Tiger jumpsuit

6. bedazzled the jumpsuit with 15 pieces of black-hatin’ flair

7. got a cheap sound system

8. got multiple sets of various sized congas

9. Tom Sawyered a few shirtless white guys with dreadlocks to play the congas

10. solicited several angry, braless Caucasian New White Tiger women to wildly dance to said congas, and …

11. then took this SNL skit out in the middle of a busy street and started screaming, “I hate blacks. Ever last iota of a n-----! I hate him! If you want freedom, white people, you’ve got to kill the n-----! Kill the black man’s babies!”

Oh, and I almost forgot this ditty: And all of this amazingly bizarre, vile, violence-promoting racist vomit was captured on video for the whole world to see, what, you inquiring mind, would (or should) happen to GB?

I can tell you what would happen:

1. When he was out at the next New White Tiger Douche Bag rally recruiting Darwinian holdovers to join the cause, his wife and kids would move out of their casa faster than a bag of pork rinds disappears around peckish rednecks.

2. FOX would fire him; the Tea Party would toss him in the tank; and the mainstream media would be on him like Al Gore on a reluctant masseuse.

3. In addition, if he had been under investigation for clearly intimidating voters (on tape) by standing at a poll during the last presidential election with a bat and his black-hater outfit on, and a biased DOJ dropped the charges and let his guilty ass go, I’m a thinkin’ that the feckless head of the Department of Just Us, might be forced—no, shamed—by public outrage to truly poke around in Beck’s garbage again and maybe, just maybe, take a second look at the voting booth baton BS.

This past week more unbelievable video of the dude the DOJ’s Eric “Let’s-Cut-Terrorists-N-Racists-Some-Slack” Holder found no guilt with in the Philly voter intimidation case made its way to YouTube for the whole world to see just how insane this black dude truly is. For those who haven’t seen the vid yet, let me give you some nuggets from this New Black Panther’s noggin.

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.