Burt Prelutsky

I have no idea who decided that liberal states would be called blue and conservative states would be red, but I suspect it was a left-winger because it makes absolutely no sense. Red, after all, has always been the color associated with the far left. Thanks to the flag of the late, unlamented, Soviet Union being the hammer and sickle on a field of red, Communists have always been referred to as reds, except of course when they were referred to, even more appropriately, as morons and imbeciles.

Be that as it may, I live in California, a state that is bluer than the blue Pacific. My state is not only on the left side of the map, it’s to the left of Barack Obama. This is a state that is represented in the U.S. Senate by Dianne Feinstein and Barbara Boxer, for crying out loud! Allegedly, we have a Republican governor, but Arnold Schwarzenegger is only slightly more conservative than his wife, Maria Shriver.

But things are in such a sorry state in my sorry state that the two guys in the wings, eager to replace Schwarzenegger are the pretty boy mayors of Los Angeles and San Francisco, Antonio Villaraigosa and Gavin Newsome. Frankly, I don’t know on what basis the voters will decide between the two of them. Both of these scofflaws, after all, have made their cities sanctuaries for illegal aliens. Both have come out in favor of same sex marriages and, for good measure, both men have had adulterous affairs in the past couple of years -- Villaraigosa with a TV news reporter half his age, and Newsome with the wife of his chief aide, who was also allegedly his best friend.

Quite honestly, I haven’t the foggiest notion what makes liberals tick. For instance, why do they so vehemently object to making English our official language? It’s not as if people who speak it badly -- people such as Robert Byrd and the aforementioned Ms. Boxer -- would have to relinquish their Senate seats. I neither know nor care if other countries print their ballots in more than one language, but it seems obvious to me that if you’re unable to read English, you have no business voting in our elections. I feel the same way about people who don’t pay income taxes. If you’re still getting an allowance from mom and dad, I really object to your vote canceling out mine.

On a related subject, what’s the deal with dual citizenship? How can you simultaneously swear allegiance to two different countries? It sounds to me like a form of bigamy.