Grown men have been known to tear up at the sight of Mister Cool wooing the masses, making comparisons to JFK, William Jennings Bryan and the Beatles at the drop of a notebook. Somebody really ought to tell these fans in the guise of commentators to curb their enthusiasm before they say still more embarrassing things. Is this a presidential election or the Second Coming?

Hey, what a country. There's a war on, the economy is having a case of the vapors, uncertainties abound at home and abroad, and the two surviving candidates for the Democratic presidential nomination have been busy exchanging sound bites. Has anyone heard a great idea out of either of them?

Instead we get only alternating team yells: Change! Experience! Is this a race for president of the United States or a high school popularity contest? It may all be riveting for us political junkies, but it's scarcely serious.

The two contenders, having forgotten that they once praised free trade, now try to outdo each other at bashing NAFTA, the North American Free Trade Agreement - at least in Ohio, where it makes a handy scapegoat. (In Texas, where NAFTA's been a great success, they tend to grow silent on the subject.)

When the subject is the all-important one of war and peace, notably in Iraq, each tries to outdo the other in defeatism - as if The Surge hadn't started to turn things around. It's as if neither has read a paper for the last six months.

Meanwhile, the GOP is preparing to crown its presidential nominee - if only that good ol' boy from Arkansas would get out of the way. Republicans must be watching the proceedings in the other party with a mix of amusement and dread. For the longest time they'd been preparing to campaign against an op researcher's dream in Hillary Rodham Clinton. It was going to be like running against Lady Macbeth. The low campaign Mrs. Clinton et vir have conducted against this bright young comer only added to her voluminous dossier, which just waited to be reviewed at length by her opposition in the fall.

But the prospect of going through all those old scandals - again - was deadening, which may explain why voters flocked to a newcomer on the national scene whose scandals would at least be new. And now the GOP may have to run not just against a candidate but a political phenomenon. No wonder so many Republicans find themselves pulling for a Clinton for the first time in their lives. Which is one more delicious irony in a campaign full of them. For connoisseurs of irony, this has been a veritable banquet. But it's been conducted at breakneck speed. The guests barely have time to study the menu before it's whisked away. And the choices to be made are much too important to be rushed.