As for the present, Phelps surrendered to public pressure and offered a mushy, stonerish apology. Something about engaging in behavior that "was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment." (Phelps only has won 14 gold medals. Slacker.)

There is, actually, a soaring probability that a young person who smokes pot will never feel regret. More than likely, the remorse Phelps feels involves getting caught and potentially losing his endorsement with Subway -- which, some say, should be eaten only after smoking up.

A survey published in a journal of the Public Library of Science last year found that despite spending billions on drug enforcement, Americans are still twice as likely as citizens of the Netherlands (where marijuana is legal) to try pot.

Researchers also found that 42 percent of people surveyed in the U.S. had tried marijuana at least once. How many of them have deep regrets about the experience?

Just to be clear, I hope my kids avoid drugs -- legal or not. But how can a parent be expected to educate young children about the factual consequences of drug use when the drug czar and fear-mongering educators undermine the truth with scary stories? Indeed, kids may be mentally slower than normal people, but they're not stoned.

Not yet.

For transparency's sake, I also should admit that in my youth, I inhaled marijuana a bunch of times.

But apparently not enough to be elected to higher office -- or to win a gold medal.