December 23 may be viewed as "Christmas Eve-Eve" by the likes of Phoebe Buffay from "Friends," but it is also an important holiday that ought not be erased: Festivus, a holiday for the rest of us.
As is tradition, Festivus includes several key events. In addition to Feats of Strength and the putting up of the Festivus Pole (ensuring that it has a high strength-to-weight ratio, of course), the trademark of Festivus is the Airing of Grievances.
In the spirit of Frank Costanza's "Seinfeld" declaration, Townhall has "a lotta problems" with a range of individuals and entities, and "now you're going to hear about it!"
Editor Katie Pavlich:
Let me tell you, I have a lot of problems with the people who don't wear headphones on airplanes, trains, or other modes of public transportation. This includes people who listen to things so loudly, it's like they aren't wearing headphones at all. People who Facetime in public without headphones should be sent straight to jail. Also, if you're going to get on a plane, do not come with a horrific cough. Stay home. Speaking of travel, the gate agents who force you to check your carry-on luggage because there "isn't enough room in the overhead" are wrong 95 percent of the time and I've got a big problem with that. Happy Festivus!
Political Editor Guy Benson:
I have a grievance against much of the news media, which often purports to be concerned about the influence of ‘dark money’ in politics, regurgitating weak, shoddy, political so-called “ethics” attacks on conservative (and only conservative) Supreme Court justices — generated and peddled by left-wing dark money forces. They’ve got nothing, and they lie by omission and implication, to fabricate a “scandal.” Their favorite target is their least favorite justice. I realize left-wing activists and most journos play for the same team, but this has been especially blatant. They’re mad that they don’t control SCOTUS, which stands in the way of their ideological march, so they’re engaged in character assassination and assailing the institution as a form of punishment. On the plus side, Senate Judiciary Republicans have been stellar in calling this out and fighting back hard.
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Features Editor Leah Barkoukis:
Like economic issues that hit Americans of all stripes, DEI has been something that’s infiltrated every aspect of life. If you’ve been fortunate enough to have escaped its clutches at work, your child may not have been so fortunate at school, or vice versa. It’s dominated government, pop culture, education, the field of medicine, and more. The results have been disastrous. I personally know people who have been dragged before DEI boards, accused of being white colonizers for simply wanting to hire a white male because he was the best qualified candidate, and others who have been denied rightful promotions because they didn’t check the right boxes. But DEI in schools—on impressionable young minds—is perhaps most concerning. It’s fitting, then, that the final couple months of 2023 are shining a light on the institutional, reputational, and educational damage DEI has done at Harvard thanks to the multiple controversies involving the school’s president, Claudine Gay. Still, conservatives should be hopeful since the trend to eradicate DEI bureaucracies is picking up steam. Multiple GOP governors have now taken action against them, including most recently Oklahoma Gov. Kevin Stitt. And there are conservative activists like Christopher Rufo who are relentlessly battling the DEI diehards. So, cheers to a merit-based 2024.
Senior Editor and "Triggered" Co-Host Matt Vespa:
As you know, I’ve been a long-suffering New York Giants fan for the past ten years, so I have many problems with that front office. New General Manager Joe Schoen is in his second year, so he gets a pass for now, but what the hell is going on?
It’s been ten years since we’ve had a functional offensive line. It doesn’t have to be good; few units are elite, but it’s been mayonnaise for over a decade, and it severely impacted the career of two-time Super Bowl champion and future hall of famer Eli Manning. Every unit has atrophied, thanks to years of horrific draft picks and made worse by the Dave Gettleman regime, who should be indicted for war crimes.
He picked a quarterback in Daniel Jones, who can’t process the game quickly enough, among many, many other problems, too high, and how we’re stuck with him until at least next year because he gave him what is now a horrendous contract extension whose money could have been spent…on rebuilding the offensive line.
All this team has right now is healthy Saquon Barkley and the King of New Jersey, Tommy DeVito, aka Tommy Cutlets, who, for a brief three-week period, made Giants football somewhat fun to watch again.
The offensive line coach, Bobby Johnson, must be fired in the off-season because his guys can’t pick up simple stunts in the trenches against not-so-elite defensive linemen. Just watch the New Orleans Saints game. Special Teams Coordinator Thomas McGaughey should be shot into the sun. Frankly, both men should’ve been fired last year.
Last year, Giants co-owner John Mara said, “We were back.” That was not the case, and we were also 9-7-1. Are you kidding me? We’re back? Stop. Just stop it. Every unit needs better talent to compete, and it starts with drafting a new quarterback because the Giants will be in prime position to do so after we get curb-stomped by the Eagles and Rams to close the season.
Draft a quarterback, fix the offensive line in free agency, and draft edge rushers and CB early.
*I know this was supposed to be a few sentences, but FFS, I could write a multi-volume encyclopedia on what this franchise has done wrong for the past ten years after beating Tom Brady twice in the Super Bowl.
Get your s**t together. Also, please build a new stadium. MetLife sucks. You didn’t need to implode old Giants Stadium. Okay, maybe you did, but you should have rebuilt it on your own and told the Jets to screw off to Long Island, which is where most of their fanbase resides anyway.
Anyway, I lost my train of thought…Happy Festivus, go f$%& yourselves, Giants ownership.
"Triggered" Co-Host Storm Paglia:
I've got a lot of problems with the government and liberal media, and now you're going to hear about it! Joe Biden, Jill Biden, their cocaine-in-the-White-House-snorting son, Senate hearing room you-know-what staffer, and White House lawn-flashing trans can get the hell out of DC and stop ruining our country. Along with the RINOs, leftist Big Tech censors, illegals invading our country, and Democrats who want a more crime-ridden, higher-taxed, gun-banned, less-free America. God Bless America, thank you to our VIPs (we love you!), and Merry Christmas!
Managing Editor Spencer Brown:
Here we go. At the top of this year's grievance list are the Democrats supposedly "running" Washington, D.C., our nation's capital that ought to be a beautiful and stately town that's safe, fun, and enjoyable for locals, field trippers, visiting dignitaries, and the people who cover the mess that is national politics. Instead, these looney tunes turned our capital city into a playground for the lawless — just as woke prosecutors have done in too many other cities. After nearly a decade of living in the District and being chased home from the grocery store or train station by a few too many frothing-at-the-mouth crackheads, I fled into into the safe and welcoming arms of Gov. Glenn Youngkin's Virginia. But now, the same soft-on-crime lunatics who've trashed D.C. are trying to turn Virginia into another haven for heinous crime by working to elect prosecutors that would rather show kindness to a violent criminal than protect an innocent mother. I don't like it and I won't stand for it. It's no surprise the Caps and Wizards are seeking to follow me to Virginia — D.C. has subjected its residents and businesses to the high costs of high crime for too long, and they've got to learn a lesson.
Investigative Reporter Mia Cathell:
I have a bone to pick with all the perverted men masquerading as "women." We have sexual deviants dominating female spaces, beating little girls in sports as adults applaud, and holding office. Instead of going to jail or a mental institution, they're showered in fame and fortune. Exhibit A: Budlight's butt buddy Dylan Mulvaney, a Broadway twink who realized the trans biz is a lucrative grift. And don't get me started on Dick Levine! You aren't fooling anyone, "Rachel." Richard—you Will Ferrell-looking f**k made an even fuglier "woman." I'd say transition back but I think you're already Dick-less ("sans Dick," as the French say.) Also, you moved your mother out of a personal-care facility while you directed Pennsylvania's nursing homes to take in COVID-19 patients. That's what some call a Dick move. But, you weren't punished. No, you were promoted, a diversity hire hand-picked by Biden. You literally got a gold star as a reward, actually four, along with the title of admiral. Now, you, a health official and pediatrician who took the Hippocratic Oath to "do no harm," continue your crusade of wanting to surgically butcher and chemically castrate children's bodies.
Enough! Let's cut the charade. Transvestism was once a comedic trope on TV. We would've laughed at Levine like he was Mrs. Doubtfire. Most of these men merely get off to the thought of themselves as women (autogynephilia, a cross-dressing fetish). But, we've replaced what should be shame with Pride. Anyways, where were we? Oh yeah. Happy Festivus, you filthy animals.
Director of Marketing Erika Haas:
Let’s talk about Big Tech. Ever since Donald Trump was elected in 2020, these companies have spent more time thinking of new ways to silence those whose opinions — and, more importantly, whose facts — they do not like, than maintaining a product that actually works and gives consumers what they want. Daring to discuss election integrity, the efficacy of climate change and pandemic policy, the “trans” movement, Hunter Biden – really anything that calls into question The Narrative™️— has a put a giant target on our backs. Even directly quoting the president and government officials (with video evidence) has landed us in trouble. And while we’ve successfully avoided attempts to permanently take us out, that doesn’t mean we haven’t suffered a blow (or a hundred) in the process. We’ve been “fact-checked”; we’ve been called “dangerous,” “derogatory,” and “harmful”; we’ve been given the title of “super polluter” (a personal favorite); we’ve had our content hidden from the public; we’ve had our stories demonetized. The hits will surely keep coming in 2024, but thankfully we have a team that doesn’t forfeit and readers (especially our VIP members) who make it easy to keep fighting. Happy Festivus, everyone (except the Big Tech censors, of course)!
From all of us at Townhall, thank you for your loyal readership in 2023 — and a special thanks to our VIP members whose direct support allowed us to continue our truth-telling reporting throughout the year. If you're not already a VIP member, partner with us today and save 60% on new annual VIP memberships. Just use promo code HAPPYFESTIVUS at checkout and you'll get a full year of Townhall VIP for just 38 cents a week or get exclusive access across the entire Townhall Media network with Townhall VIP Gold for 68 cents per week.
And, if you're still looking for that perfect last-minute Christmas (or Festivus!) gift for the die-hard conservative in your life, you can give the gift of a VIP membership. You can do that here and use that same HAPPYFESTIVUS 60%-off promo code. You can have it delivered right away or schedule it for Christmas morning.
Happy Festivus, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!
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