The Parent Trap?

It's a snowy Monday in Wisconsin, and by "snowy," I mean most of the state is under a blizzard warning because I live in the real-life version of Hoth. It's so nasty outside that the two of my sons who are still in school don't have class today, and I'm grateful I can work from home.

My eldest is on the East Coast, heading to D.C. to celebrate his 19th birthday with some buddies. He texted me from Trenton, New Jersey, where he's checking another state capitol off his list. He turned 19 last week, which means it's been almost two decades since I became a mother.

Once I get over the realization that I'm two decades older, the prevailing thought I have is this: Where has the time gone? The days may have been long, but the years ... not so much. I blinked, and he was graduating from high school. I blinked again, and my youngest is now a head taller than me and almost taller than my middle son, who is just over six feet tall.

I'm outnumbered, out-sized, and outsmarted. Occasionally, they out smarta** me, too, I'm always in awe of them, sometimes annoyed with them, but the one thing I've never felt in nearly 20 years of motherhood is trapped.

Some women feel differently and regret becoming mothers.

This regret is rarely voiced out loud. The women who contacted me would only talk about how they feel on the condition of anonymity, for fear of harsh judgement and because their families don't know.
Carmen tentatively put her regret into words on a general parenting forum a few years ago and says while some people were empathetic, others reacted as if she was "a monster".
The extreme pressure and sacrifice that motherhood can involve is put under the spotlight in the film If I Had Legs I'd Kick You, which is up for an Oscar tomorrow night.
Actress Rose Byrne gives a visceral portrayal of a burnt out mother who feels alone in her struggle to meet the needs of her daughter and hold up the scaffolding of family life.

I'm only half-glad these women spoke anonymously. Their children, after all, will see these stories someday and realize their mothers hate them.

Part of this loathing of motherhood stems from society's insane expectations for parenting, especially on women. We're expected to hold full-time jobs, raise perfect kids, keep a pristine house, and still have time to make those Pinterest-worthy cupcakes for the school bake sale. Compromising on working full-time means you're betraying the Leftist cause; working outside the home ticks off conservatives.

It's a no-win situation, which is why a lot of people are deciding to tap out. But this is also part of the Left's endless push to undermine the family, because the family is the biggest threat to their socialist agenda. In Tennessee, Congressional candidate and Democrat Aftyn Behn said women who got married and had kids were upholding "deeply patriarchal structures" but for at least five decades, the American Left has been waging war on the American family

In 1970, Paul Ehrlich, author of "The Population Bomb," lamented large families and wanted the government to always portray them in a negative light on television (because politics is always downstream of culture), and then legislate the size of the family and throw those of us who had "too many" kids in prison.

Paul Ehrlich in 1970: "The FCC should see to it that large families are always treated in negative light on television."

If that doesn't work, then the government should "legislate the size of the family" and "throw you in jail if you have too many" kids.pic.twitter.com/646gThk9WC
— Shawn Regan (@Shawn_Regan) January 5, 2023

He had two daughters, by the way, and lived to be 93.

For the parents who have disabled children, I sympathize. It's a challenge to know your child will struggle and may never fully be independent. Your years, including retirement, may be defined and limited by caring for that child. But the future is guaranteed to no one. A perfectly healthy, normal child can have an accident — as a friend of mine learned with her future son-in-law — and suddenly need care they otherwise wouldn't have had.

That comes with parenthood. It's not easy, and society needs to do a better job of supporting these parents who are often overwhelmed, unheard, and burned out.

But the story doesn't talk about the mothers of disabled children. It says motherhood — of any type — is a trap. A trap is inescapable. Time is the escape hatch for parents because for most of us moms, our kids will grow up, move out, and have lives of their own. They may even have families of their own one day.

You are not beholden to them into adulthood, and if you think you are, you need to reevaluate your priorities and make sure you're raising independent kids who can become independent adults.

Time is a cruelly ironic mistress, too. That's because while time is what makes kids grow up and leave the nest, it's also what prevents women from becoming mothers. We've all heard the stories of women who put something else — career, travel, partying — ahead of motherhood, only to realize in their 30s and 40s that time and biology were not on their side. That's a trap too, and one that you truly can never escape. BBC stories aside, I've never known women who regretted motherhood. But I have known women who regretted putting off motherhood until it was too late.

Motherhood isn’t a trap. It’s one of the most powerful acts of optimism a person can make — believing the future is worth investing in and raising the next generation to inherit it.

The critics who call it a prison are free to believe that if they want. But as I watch my sons grow into men and head out to make their own mark on the world, I can’t help thinking the real tragedy isn’t motherhood.

It's defining motherhood as a prison — or worse — missing out on it entirely.