It all started with this message from a friend I shall call "The Nameless Dark Lord of Humor" at his request.
"9-1-1 what is your emergency?"
(Choke, cough, choke, choke)
"Hello. What is your emergency??"
(Choke) "I can't....I can't..." (Choke...choke) "...swallow any more schadenfreude today."
"I understand, sir. It's an epidemic. Hold on, we're sending help to your location."
What, exactly, is "schadenfreude," you ask?
I'll have to admit, even after two college semesters of German, I had to look that one up. Schadenfreude means to find joy in someone else's misfortune. Ostensibly, I'm living in a cave somewhere, as I discovered there are pages of schadenfreude memes. It was one of 2012's most often "looked-up" words. It literally means damage-joy. If Karma is the world getting even, schadenfreude is the rabid, bloodthirsty crowd taunting karma's victims as karma spikes the ball in the end zone.
2017 should be called "The Year of Schadenfreude". Could there be anything more descriptive? It started with the complete meltdown of the Left after Donald Trump was elected. We had screaming at the sky, looting, rioting, adult tantrums, literal tears from almost every "news" personality on election night, and Hollywood stars moaning, groaning, and threatening to leave the country.
The schadenfreude can't stop, won't stop.
Fast forward to recent weeks where we saw Matt Lauer and Garrison Keillor fired for sexual harassment. Before that, it was Charlie Rose. Next up, it was Glenn Thrush, and then Brian Ross at ABC News was punished with a four-week suspension for promoting a false story that temporarily made the stock market tank. From Hollywood, Harvey Weinstein, Louis C.K., Kevin Spacey and many others make the list.
Bartender, a round of schadenfreude for my friends!
Among elected representatives, we may just be at the beginning of what could be a long list of abusers once "slush fund" recipients and benefactors are revealed. Senator Al Franken is a photographed groper, and long-standing Rep. John Conyers allegedly likes to get naked in front of female staffers according to fresh accusations.
Wait, what? Rep. John Conyers is retiring? Schadenfreude! Are you serious? Senator Al Franken just announced his resignation, too? Holy Schadenfreude, Batman!
Although "Creepy Joe Biden" has not been mentioned much, there is plenty of video and photographic evidence demonstrating that he likes to put his hands where they don't belong. Hopefully, they will join their former colleague Anthony "insert sexual innuendo here" Weiner who just recently began a 21-month sentence for his sexual advances on underage girls.
Bartender, I'll have another schadenfreude, and make it a double!
In the world of sports, Colin Kaepernick still does not have a job in the NFL and went from earning approximately $39,000,000 (that's MILLION!) over his last three years to being more toxic than Chernobyl. That news was like getting a couple IV bags of schadenfreude. Seeing the NFL implode is schadenfreude with icing on top.
I can feel the schadenfreude flowing through my veins. I am enjoying that feeling almost as much as when I read my investment statements or see that the Dow Jones Industrial Average has reached another high since its last high the day before and the day before that. Trump's economic successes are like water on the Wicked Witch of the West to the Left. The flying monkeys of the press, Hollywood, and the Democrat elites just got a heavy dose of reality when Dorothy doused their party.
Interesting side note: did you know that "flying monkeys" is a psychological term for someone who aids a narcissist? The irony is rich here. Schadenfreude!
The ultimate source of schadenfreude is...
It's hard to write something about powerful men being sexual harassers - or worse yet, rapists - and their "flying monkey" enablers without mentioning the standard bearer, William Jefferson Clinton and his wife. Remember the excuses? If I had a dollar for every time I heard the phrase from the Left, "It's just about sex," during Clinton's investigation and impeachment, I would have more money than the Clintons gained through their alleged illicit money laundering schemes. It's pretty hard to excuse anyone else's behavior considering the defense of Bill Clinton. If you're under the age of 30, you may not have seen the video testimony from Bill Clinton about his Oval Office affair with a 22-year-old intern. Warning: it's disgusting. Schadenfreude is watching his face at the mention of a cigar.
For the record, I make no excuses for Donald Trump's recorded comments regarding the topic of groping women, but there is one name that has not been mentioned.
Vice President Mike Pence, who makes a practice of not being alone with a female besides his wife. The same crowd that relentlessly mocked and ridiculed this practice is now drowning in accusations. Sweet, sweet, schadenfreude.
Sorry, I'm not sorry.
Nearly every week, there is a new revelation about the chicanery of Hillary Clinton during her term as Secretary of State. Maybe I am overly hopeful, but I believe sooner or later the evidence will be enough for even the harshest of skeptics to be convinced that she and her husband sold out the country for their own personal gain. And, when that day comes, there will be schadenfreude of epic proportions. My obituary will read, cause of death: Schadenfreude overdose.
Until then, I'll have a pint for the road, while I gather 'round with my mates and sing our newest drinking song, "Schadenfreude!" It doesn't have any good tune or catchy lyrics, we just repeat names of former Leftist icons who have fallen and shout "schadenfreude!" in unison until someone cries and leaves the bar.
Would someone please call a cab? The room is spinning from all this schadenfreude...but, somehow, I haven't gotten enough just yet.