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OPINION

The English/Biden Translation Guide

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.
AP Photo/Evan Vucci

Anyone planning a trip abroad—at least prior to the China Virus pandemic—always used to go online to take a language course from Berlitz or Babbel or Rosetta Stone…along with practical tips on translating English into German or French. Because we wanted to really immerse ourselves in basic phrases and cultural references so we’d feel more at home in a foreign country and avoid mirroring the images portrayed in Eugene Burdick’s 1958 novel The Ugly American.

But since 12 Noon on Jan. 20, 2021, America under the “leadership” of President Joe Biden has become almost unrecognizable…it has in many ways become a foreign country in and of itself. So as a public service I am herewith offering you the Official English/Biden Translation Guide.

Don’t worry: for the sake of brevity, we won’t translate everything that has transpired so far this year. (And no silly sentences like Rosetta Stone, making you learn language like “Pardon me, but my uncle lives in a green house next to the public library. Do you know on which street it is located?”) Nope, just the key phrases and cultural touchstones you’ll need in order to make sense out of the unfolding calamity that is the Biden presidency.

Ready? Let’s begin.

Build Back Better. This Biden phrase translated into English literally means “Cancel the Keystone XL Pipeline and throw thousands of U.S. workers onto the unemployment line while crippling Trump-era energy independence.”  (See, that wasn’t so hard was it?)

Weaponizing Horses. This is how you would have your press secretary mischaracterize Border Patrol agents performing their duties protecting Americans from hundreds of thousands of illegals waltzing across our border. Bonus phrase: Cowboys Whipping Black People Worse Than In Slavery. You would say this if you were asked to fill in for California Congresswoman Maxine Waters..and you wanted to make the irrational and outlandish claim that the Border Patrol (see above) had “turned the clock back several hundred years” by—again—doing their jobs turning back mobs illegally attempting to enter the United States.

Z-z-z-z-z-z-z. Easy one this time: that’s the snoring sound you would make if you were President Biden meeting at the White House with new Israeli Prime Minister Neftali Bennett. After you were seen on worldwide television nodding off, you would deny you were asleep.

A Reuters “fact check” would then declare that the video of you sleeping had been “misleadingly cropped.” Right.

America Is Israel’s Strongest Ally.  Translation: pay no attention to members of my party wanting to gut funding for Israel’s Iron Dome missile defense system to appease anti-Semites in the “Progressive Caucus.”

That fella from Down Under. English translation: I’m the President of the United States and just announced a security partnership with Britain and Australia…but I can’t remember Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s name, so I’ll just call him “That fella from Down Under.” And then add a cheery “Thank you very much, pal.”

Our Patience Is Wearing Thin. OK, this one came out of left field. It was unleashed as Biden announced his tyrannical crackdown on businesses with more than 100 employees, demanding they make all of their workers get vaccinated or else undergo weekly testing. Biden was never a Rhodes Scholar (although he plagiarized speeches by many of them over the years) so he must have missed that key lesson in American history where we were taught that government is our servant, not our master.  Biden—who has less experience in the private sector than my son and daughter do, currently in their first jobs out of college—works for the American people…not the other way around. He doesn’t ever get to scold us or suggest his “patience” is “wearing thin.”

Get Out! Move it! Stop! Get Out Now! These are the phrases rat-like White House aides hysterically scream at members of the spineless White House press corps any time they attempt to ask Joe Biden a question. (In the Trump years, our 45th president answered questions virtually every day from a hostile press corps whom Trump alternately referred to as “jackals” and “Fake News”...both of which are true.) But under this administration, yapping jerks in Biden’s employ scream wildly at reporters, who then slink off with their tails between their legs. So much for what we laughingly used to refer to as a free press.

We Will Not Leave Any Americans Behind. Don’t waste a lot of time memorizing this one. It is only used by the president when he is, in fact, preparing to leave Americans behind in Afghanistan. Been there, done that.

I Have Full Confidence In General Milley.  Translation: as long as he is stabbing Trump, this guy is a powerful Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff...but if Milley ever catches on that I’m losing my marbles, I’ll bust that guy so fast he won’t be able get hired as a manager in professional wrestling.

So there you have it: a thumbnail English/Biden Translation Guide you and your friends can use to impress others as you navigate your way through the remaining days of the Biden administration.

And remember: if you get stuck and absolutely don’t know what to say, just repeat the wise words of our leader in the White House: “Thank you very much, pal.”

That always works.

Tom Tradup is V.P./News & Talk Programming for Dallas-based SALEM Radio Network.  He can be reached at ttradup@srnradio.com

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