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The Devil’s Plan for America

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

Given the sheer volume of bizarre cultural shifts just in the last few weeks, it’s time for another “if I were the devil” column.

If I were Beelzebub, I’d work to destroy Western civilization because its chief religions, Christianity and Judaism, have a timeless book that reminds people of my existence. I’m most effective when working in the dark.


To this end, I’m working to do away with institutions that are in the way of my goal to destroy humanity. These pesky confederations include churches, observant temples, private groups and governments that support so-called traditional values such as honor, fidelity in marriage, strong families, personal responsibility, civic pride, charity and patriotism.

When these things are compromised, I move on to the game board’s next square – economic freedom, which I cannot abide and which cannot thrive without the virtues imparted by those irritating groups just mentioned. For a look at one of my greatest successes, take a walk through what used to be Detroit.

Once free enterprise is broken to the saddle of the state, I can throttle freedom of speech, religion and association, using some of the giant corporations spawned in the unprecedented liberty created by America’s system of constitutional rights, including private property.

In fact, I used some of those firms just the other day to induce the Boy Scouts of America to commit suicide, one of my prized outcomes. Under corporate donor pressure, the Scout leadership threw aside the common-sense rule preventing open expression of homosexuality. This pretty much did the trick in Canada. It may take a few years, but the Scouts in the U.S. are finished, believe me. If you like what you see in the inner cities among fatherless boys, you’ll thank me later.


For a look at where else I want to take the United States, let’s go to Great Britain, where much of America’s loathsome attachment to Christianity and individual liberty was birthed. Once-proud England is, thanks to my touch, a sea of churning resentments, entitlements, ethnic upheaval, crime and moral depravity. I hate to brag, but this is some of my best work.

Take the Girl Guides. They are the English version of the Girl Scouts, and were founded in 1910 with an oath that requires girls to love God and to serve “my queen and my country.” Not anymore. Under Chief Executive Julie Bentley, a former head of Britain’s Family Planning Association and self-proclaimed feminist, the reference to God has been replaced by a call to “be true to myself” (ah, the Imperial Self, my greatest invention, dating all the way back to Eden) and “develop my beliefs.” What beliefs? Who cares? Beliefs are in the mind of the beholder, and I’m here to spread confusion, not truth.

Another wonderful change is the Guides’ decision to change the vow to “serve my queen and my country,” to a promise to “serve the queen and my community.” This is great on a number of levels, starting with the more antiseptic “the queen” instead of “my queen.” And the transmutation of “my country” into “my community” is a masterpiece of political correctness, pandering to immigrant communities that stubbornly resist the British melting pot. Some of them are creating a separate legal system that removes their women from the protection of British law even as I polish my trident and indulge in a triumphant giggle.


Back to scouting. In Canada, the same pattern is unfolding. The Girl Guides in 2010 changed their promise to be true “to myself, my God and Canada” — or “myself, my faith and Canada” — to “myself, my beliefs and Canada.” I want it even shorter – simply “myself” has a nice ring – but progress is progress.

In 1993, the Girl Scouts USA opened their leader ranks to lesbians and atheists and adopted a policy allowing girls to substitute “Allah” or “Buddha” or perhaps “Elvira” in the Girl Scout promise, “On my honor, I will try to serve God and my country.” Most of the girls and their local leaders peddling cookies are blissfully unaware of such fundamental ferment at the top, and I’m determined to keep it that way. So, keep this under your hat, will you?

Other projects going smoothly include weeding Christians out of the U.S. armed forces, concentrating ever more power in Washington, D.C. through Obamacare, expanding the Infernal Revenue Service (no, it’s not a typo), opening the floodgates of pornography even wider, and pushing for universal preschool to get the tykes away from bothersome parents sooner.

Over the next couple of weeks, I’ll be finishing up perhaps my most important project since World War II: Using the Supreme Court to wreck the most vital, irreplaceable institution in society -- marriage. If I can convince one more justice that the Constitution harbors the “right” to abolish marriage through radical redefinition, I can unleash the power of the state against all those “religious” folks who cling to their, well, religion.


But not all of them.

Some of my subsidiaries, the ever-progressive “mainstream” churches, are doing marvelous work muddying up what the Bible clearly says is right and wrong. I’m thinking of upping their budgets to purchase new, improved smoke machines.

They’re almost as good as I am in quoting Scripture for opposite purposes. My favorite verse is “judge not, that you be not judged” (Matthew 7:1). My followers often use that out of context to mock the very idea of morality. Same with “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her” (John 8:7). I’ve trained them to omit Jesus’s annoying follow-up admonition to the adulterous woman to “go and sin no more.”

As for you, reader, what has God done for you lately? Oh, his followers claim that He’s keeping you breathing, holding all of your very atoms in place and balancing the heavenly hosts so that life can thrive here on earth – and that He sent His own Son to die for your sins and grant you eternal life.

But, remember, He’s not as much fun as I am—or appear to be. I play on the keyboard of your sinful nature, and strive, unappreciated, to turn every heart into a black hole of self-centeredness, where His cursed light rarely penetrates or escapes.

So do me a favor. Get out of my way and let the “good times” roll.


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