Last week, history was made. Or should I say that her-story was made? Hillary Clinton became the first woman to win the nomination of a major political party. It was a historical moment in American politics. It was also a deeply hysterical moment for many women. In fact, so great was the emotion surrounding this landmark achievement that even a conservative female friend of mine had this to say about the nomination:
“Regardless of your politics, you have to admit that Hillary’s nomination was a landmark event. It showed that women have come a long way and that they can succeed without limitations if they simply put forth the effort.”
I couldn’t agree more. Hillary’s nomination was a milestone in our nation's history. It shows that as a woman you can accomplish anything provided you do the following:
Marry a powerful man. Some feminists like Gloria Steinem have got it all wrong. They wait until they have made a name for themselves and then go marry a rich and powerful man in order to have complete financial freedom late in life. This is wrong headed. A better way is to marry an ambitious man, let him become successful and accumulate power, and then ride on the coattails of his achievements in order to reach heights of wealth and power you never could have achieved through your own efforts.
Endure endless infidelities. Of course, whenever you marry a man with ambition you assume the risk that he will be prone to adultery. This is especially true if your man wants to become the most powerful person in the entire world. In fact, you can almost expect that his ambition will spill over into a desire for numerous sexual conquests. But that is part of the trade off. In order to accumulate power it will be necessary to look the other way. The marriage is about power, not love. In fact, it is crucial to keep feminine notions about love out of the calculus. It is a man’s world and it always will be. You have to stand by him and learn how to play by his rules. After all, he’s just a man.
Willingly subject yourself to public indignities in order to win popularity. Of course, there is little chance that these infidelities will remain secret over the course of time. But enduring these indignities can be used to your advantage in the quest for power. Being seen as a helpless victim can help you garner sympathy, which will translate into increases in public approval that never could have been achieved through your individual efforts. A strong woman must sometimes pretend to be weak in order to capitalize on both the strengths and weaknesses of her husband.
Sacrifice lesser women for the larger cause. It is true that many of the participants in your husband’s infidelities will be victims, too. But it is important to divert attention from their victimhood in order to maximize your own. Hence, a good feminist must sometimes be willing to throw other women to the wolves – even if the wolf is her own husband.
Note also that throwing other women to the wolves should never be limited to defending your husband. If advancing your legal career involves defending a rapist – even one who rapes children then, by all means, do it. Don’t be afraid to push the envelope with regard to rationalizing your behavior in defending the sexual predator – even going so far as to suggest that children tend to exaggerate or romanticize sexual experiences. In your heart, you have to be prepared to argue that even some child rape victims were really asking for it – if not actually enjoying it. Let their suffering be a pathway to your empowerment so that in the end you may redeem yourself and eventually glorify the cause of feminism.
Protect other women who marry powerful men and can help you get ahead. If you get your rich and powerful husband to coerce an illegal loan then someone might have to take the fall. If it is a couple then make sure the man does the time. Even if he has to die behind bars make sure you use your man’s power to pardon the woman. Make sure to reduce her sentence even if you cannot keep her out of the slammer altogether. Prison is for men. Women may be equal but they certainly aren’t that equal.
Email is a technical thing that only men truly understand. Whenever it comes to getting into trouble with technology always remember that technology is a form of patriarchal oppression. When it comes to trouble with email just say you didn’t understand how it worked but that subsequently they brought in men with greater knowledge to explain it to you.
In a nutshell, I really think feminists should be proud that they have nominated a felon who will teach generations of women to marry for power, stand by their men, play the victim, throw weaker women under the bus, protect other powerful manipulative women, and pretend to be stupid in order to avoid prison.
With role models like Hillary, you might say that anything is possible. Before the decade is out we might even commit to landing a woman on the moon and returning her safely to earth. Hopefully, when she lands there won’t be snipers on the runway.