Trigger Please

Posted: Jun 05, 2014 12:01 AM
Trigger Please

Dear Chancellor Miller:

I just received my spring semester student evaluations and was quite pleased with the results. As usual, they were almost uniformly positive. However, one bad evaluation has caused me some concerns. After you read the following, I'm sure you will share my concerns (and I'm hoping you will consider my suggested remedy):

"This guy is a lawsuit waiting to happen. He makes misogynistic, homophobic remarks in class (as well as online) that are offensive (esp. to people like me who have been raped and stalked). He's a lawsuit waiting to happen- do us both a favor and fire him."

It's pretty obvious that this woman signed up for my class without any sense of what she was getting into. Her references to misogynistic and homophobic speech are undoubtedly references to my in-class insistence that sodomy and abortion are not mentioned anywhere in the constitution. That must be what she is referring to because the general subject of women's issues and gay issues never came up in class. Those references to perceived women's and gay rights are probably what triggered her outburst, which, apparently, was fueled by later seeking out and reading my online opinion columns.

Speaking of triggers, I think we need a trigger warning for all students who are considering signing up for one of Mike Adams' classes. Leftist students just assume they are getting a leftist when they sign up for classes in the social sciences and humanities. Since they tend to lose control of their emotions when confronted with different ideas, they need to be forewarned.

So here's what I think a trigger warning should look like in the catalogue next to each course I teach here at The University of North Carolina at Wilmington:

Warning! Mike Adams does not subscribe to the values of the UNCW faculty and administration. Students considering taking this class should beware of the following:

1. Mike Adams isn't afraid of lawsuits.

2. Mike Adams thinks that most feminists who use the term “misogynistic” don't know what it actually means. That's because women who use the term usually learned it in a women's studies class. He thinks that anyone who pays good money to take a women's studies class suffers from either moderate or severe intellectual hernia.

3. Mike Adams thinks that everyone who uses the term “homophobia” is actually suffering from a deep-seated fear of evangelical Christians. He thinks the best form of therapy for these people is desensitization. That's why he continues to push their buttons and has fun doing so.

4. Mike Adams thinks that people who seek out the opinion columns of people who have previously "offended" them were never really offended in the first place. (Also note: people who talk to total strangers about being raped and stalked were probably never really raped or stalked). He thinks they're just little Nazis trying to suppress the civil liberties of others. That's why he often uses the term "Gaystapo."

5. Mike Adams actually tells chronically offended students that they need to seek on-campus counseling at DePaolo Hall.

6. Mike Adams thinks it is utterly hysterical that the place where students get counseling is named after former chancellor Rosemary DePaolo who herself was in desperate need of counseling.

7. Mike Adams thinks it is actually funny that a student would ask the university to fire a professor for his political beliefs in order to avoid a lawsuit right after the professor sued the university for punishing him for his political beliefs.

8. Mike Adams thinks it’s funny when a student skips class so often that she doesn't even notice that the class did not meet for one week while the professor was out of town successfully suing his university in federal court.

9. Mike Adams is a capitalist pig who actually profits from the idiocy of the Leftists lunatics surrounding him. One of the main reasons he supports free speech is because he thinks liberal speech is so bad that it's actually hysterical.

10. Mike Adams probably wants you to ignore this trigger warning so he will continue to have more material for his column, which funds his extensive gun collection.

But, seriously, Chancellor Miller, we should also have warnings to protect us from mentally unstable students. In fact, I think we should make them wear a purple or lavender cord around their neck any time they are on campus. And we should make them wear it for the entire six or seven years that they are in college trying to earn their Victim Studies degrees.

Imagine the benefits of a trigger warning, Chancellor Miller. It might prevent another lawsuit and save a top administrator from losing his job.