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Of Mitts and Muslims

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.

Dear Mitt: Despite the fact that I really do not trust or respect you, I have decided to give you some free political advice. I do it for two reasons: First, I would rather have a president I do not really trust (you) than one I actually despise (Obama). Second, the advisors and spokesmen you are paying are doing a woefully inadequate job of directing your campaign. Let me give you a couple of examples.


After the Chick-fil-A scandal consumed the country for weeks on end, you stated that you wanted to stay out of the controversy and focus on the economy. That was fine, I suppose. But, shortly thereafter, one of your spokespersons went public with the revelation that you oppose the Boy Scout policy of excluding homosexuals from membership. You did not need to weigh in on this issue and alienate social conservatives. We simply cannot imagine why you are bothered by the fact that an organization promoting clean living would want to exclude sodomites. Perhaps you were trying to appease voters who think they have the right to lead pre-pubescent boys on weekend excursions into the woods. But that is an issue for less than one percent of the population. So I am inclined to think you were trying to appeal to independents by saying “Mitt isn’t anti-gay!”


Later on, you really blew it on the abortion issue. The Republicans finally got it right and decided that abortion was not permissible in cases of rape because the baby conceived in rape has more of a right to life than the rapist who is protected from dismemberment by the Eighth Amendment. It was a common sense decision you should have left alone. But perhaps you were trying to appease those who have been impregnated by rapists because you incorrectly assumed that they usually abort under those circumstances. But, again, that is an issue for less than one percent of the population. So I am inclined to think you were trying to appeal to independents by saying “Mitt isn’t anti-woman!”


Mitt, if you would like to be innovative and win the hearts of independents, you need to pick an issue that resonates with all independents. The good news is that you have been handed a golden opportunity by Muslim extremists who hate us and are, in turn, hated by most Americans. I’m not asking you to exacerbate that hate (pardon the rhyme). I am telling you that it is there, it will remain there whether you like it or not, and you need to use it to your advantage. Please resist the temptation to send a message saying “Mitt isn’t anti-Muslim” by doing something stupid. Don’t announce that you support the rights of gay Muslims to join the Boy Scouts. Don’t come out in favor of letting Muslim rape victims have government-funded abortions. Just follow my three-step plan that will guarantee your election in November. Here goes:


1. Start shutting down embassies and withdrawing aid from the Middle East. The entire fiasco in the Middle East was started by Muslims who think the U.S. Government should control every anti-Muslim remark uttered within its own borders. That includes a perverse idea that our government should engage in prior restraint of anti-Muslim speech. In other words, they think Sharia law should trump our First Amendment.


But turnabout is fair play. Maybe we should start holding Muslim governments accountable for failing to restrain anti-American speech. Certainly, we can do so when such speech spills over into murder and generalized lawlessness.


My solution: Shut down our embassies in Egypt, Libya, and all other nations where Muslim protestors have engaged in unlawful protest against our government. And withdraw all foreign aid to those nations immediately.


2. Solicit the help of Israel in an historic arms reduction effort. The Soviet Union has fallen. We have more nuclear weapons than we need. Let’s start reducing our national debt by selling those arms to Israel. Let’s have a dollar special on nuclear weapons and allow the Israelis to buy up to half of our nuclear arsenal. After we withdraw from the region, someone will have to keep the peace. I say we give the weapons to the only nation in the region that doesn’t turn a blind eye to gang rape and doesn’t execute homosexuals. Sure, that’ll help assuage your burning desire to impress feminists and homosexuals. But the more important point is that it will help you win Florida!


3. Drill in Alaska. People tell me it will take ten years to get oil out of ANWR. But they’ve been telling me that for ten years so I’m tired of it. No one ever goes to Alaska except for liberals trying to stalk Sarah Palin. So gut the damned place. Who cares if there’s only a few decades worth of oil there? I don’t. If we don’t find a way to raise some serious revenue there will be no United States in twenty years. Gut it and save the other 49 states. We can sell Alaska back to Russia when we are done sucking all the oil out of the place. Then, Sarah Palin really will be able to see Russia from her house.

Mitt, it’s time for you to impress us all by starkly contrasting yourself with America’s first half-black metro-sexual communist president. And you can do that by extending a giant middle finger to the Muslim world. This will get every working class Reagan Democrat and lunatic Ron Paul supporter to embrace you in one felled swoop. Then, after you become president, you can defend homosexual sodomy and the killing of innocent babies. I’ll take issue with your blasphemy but I won’t burn down your embassy.


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