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Dems Plan to Reinstate and Ban Slavery

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The GOP recently discovered some once-secret memos exchanged between top Democratic operatives. These memos have revealed three interesting facts: 1) Democrats engaged in systematic character assassination in order to keep Miguel Estrada from being appointed as the first Hispanic justice on the U.S. Supreme Court. 2) The same thing was done to Alberto Gonzales for the same reason. 3) This was done so the Dems could eventually appoint the Supreme Court’s first Hispanic justice.

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The Dems’ success at “solving” the problem of Hispanic exclusion from the Supreme Court was brought about by first excluding Hispanics from the Supreme Court. Now, they are planning to use similar strategies to help “solve” other problems.

Sources also indicated that they intend to launch a nation-wide effort to repeal the Thirteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. Shortly thereafter, President Obama will sign an executive order banning slavery. This will help the Dems improve on their 92% showing among black voters in 2008. After the Dems capture at least 99% of the black vote in 2012 they plan to rename themselves the “Party of Lincoln.”

Other sources indicate that President Obama plans to increase the budget by 400% in the first year of his second term in office. He will then reduce the budget by 50%. This will show his party’s commitment to fiscal responsibility.

As part of the present economic stimulus plan, the Dems are about to tack on five billion dollars to bring gay bath houses back to San Francisco. After the number of AIDS cases rises dramatically, the Dems plan to introduce new legislation to close the bath houses. This will show their commitment to the gay population, which, in turn, will deepen its loyalty to the party of Pelosi.

The Obama administration will, of course, pay for the new economic stimulus plan by increasing taxes. The tax increases will force the few remaining stay-at-home moms into the workforce. The administration will build new government daycare centers to help taxpayers raise their children.

The effects of lack of parental supervision on juvenile delinquency will be countered by building more prisons. The effects of lack of parental supervision on literacy will be countered by funding more prison literacy programs.

The Dems also plan to release from prison all of those convicted of property crimes since the onset of the economic downturn in 2007. Those previously known as burglars and thieves will now be known as “wealth redistribution specialists.” After the crime rate spikes, they will be re-arrested to demonstrate the Obama administration’s commitment to law and order.

Sex educators will receive good news from the Obama administration in the coming weeks. The president will announce a five billion dollar proposal to put one million sex educators to work in the year 2010. These educators will encourage teens to experiment with sex earlier, more often, and with greater numbers of people. The administration is planning to increase funding for abortions in 2011 in order to subsidize failed attempts at birth control.

Funding for the arts will increase substantially in the next few years. This will include forms of art not traditionally subsidized by the government – such as tattoo artistry. The government will, in the meantime, give one billion dollars to a California tattoo removal program. The program will be directed primarily at former gang members.

The Obama administration plans to hire one million new workers to travel the nation dumping trash along the sides of American Interstates. Another one million workers will be hired to pick up the trash. This new initiative is expected to create two million new jobs.

Finally, the Obama administration plans to fund a new university that teaches people to write and comprehend political satire. They hope that within a few years political satire and political reality will be analytically distinguishable.

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