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If I ran the Zoo

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

The good folks at the National Association of Scholars (see have asked me to write a short piece modeled after the Dr. Seuss book If I ran the Zoo. Specifically, they want me to enumerate the changes I would make in higher education if I ran the system.


Of course, I’ve never really imagined being in charge of the zoo because, you see, I am an endangered species. I am a Christian, a Caucasian, a Conservative, and a Capitalist. But these four “Cs” were not something the liberals could foresee. When I was hired I was an Atheist, an America hater, an Abortion supporter, and a bit of an Alcoholic. The changes in these four “As” are now the cause of my forays.

Since I am now an endangered species, the liberals like to come by my cage and stare at me while I work. They’ve never really seen the likes of an animal such as me in the zoo in which they work. But I am used to them now. And so I will write about what it would be like to be on the other side – as silly as the proposition might be.

In the zoo in which I work, students applying for the position of resident’s assistant are asked whether they would have any religious objections to providing RU 486 (upon request) to the pregnant young women living in their dorms. Student applicants are disqualified from the job if, for religious reasons, they would refuse to do so.

If I ran the zoo, I would make employees in the Division of Student Activities go deer hunting with the Second Amendment Club. These employees would have to provide ammunition to the hunters if they ran out. They would be fired if they refused to do so.


In the zoo in which I work, students are not allowed to post signs on their dorm room doors if those signs might “incite” people. They can find themselves in front of a disciplinary committee for violations of this or one of our many other speech codes.

If I ran the zoo, university administrators would be required to read Supreme Court decisions, which have stated that “Every idea is an incitement”. (See Gitlow v. People of New York, 1925). Every dormitory student would be required to post materials on his door, which are meant to incite. No student would be given a degree unless he could prove that he incited his fellow students and that he did so with regularity.

In the zoo in which I work, female students are provided with a Women’s Resource Center. But male students are not provided with a Men’s Resource Center.

If I ran the zoo, I would interpret Title IX as prohibiting the building of a center for one sex but not the other. But I would raze the WRC, not build an MRC. This would be symbolic of the fact that Title IX is almost always used to destroy opportunities for some and provide opportunities for none. Afterwards, I would put a nursery in the place of the WRC to care for the children of female students who choose not to abort their children. I would reward these brave pro-life students with free tuition – paid for by doubling the tuition of male students who get women pregnant out of wedlock.


In the zoo in which I work, a pro life group was recently denied official status by the school. The reason was the injection of a “faith statement” in the club’s constitution – one the university saw as too exclusive.

If I ran the zoo, the people who rejected this pro life group would have to do community service. I would make them do it all for groups with whom they do not voluntarily associate. They would clean up beer cans at NASCAR races, spent shells at gun ranges, and diapers at Christian day care centers. And after they were through I would have them write “Diversity is our Greatest Strength” 100 times. Or, they could just admit that they don’t really believe in diversity.

In the zoo in which I work, feminists ban words they deem offensive. For example, they ban the use of words like “mankind” and phrases like “year of our Lord.” They are always losing control of their emotions –usually in the midst of asserting their equality, emotional and otherwise.

If I ran the zoo, the feminists would be sentenced to mandatory “de-sensitivity” training. In order to make them less sensitive, they would be strapped down and tranquilized while hearing disagreeable terms repeated in a soft and soothing (preferably female) voice. After hearing words like “adoption” and phrases like “innate gender differences” and “stay at home moms” they would eventually learn to tolerate ideas they don’t necessarily endorse.


That is really all I can think of at this time. So let me end with a little rhyme:

I guess that if I ran the zoo
This is what I’d choose to do
But since my name is not McGrew
I guess I’ll never run the zoo
And so I’ll sue and sue and sue.

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