Organizing for America (or ACORN) must have some boots on the ground in Crimea, Ukraine. In the typical fashion of third world banana republics, Soviet style dictatorships, and liberal American cities, Crimea voted yesterday to join the Russian Federation with stunning voter-turnout. How stunning? Well, in Sevastopol, the turnout was roughly 123 percent of the voting population. So… Yeah, it’s kinda like Chicago.
According to Pravda Ukraine (no relation to the soviet propagandistic peddler of Stalinism known as “Pravda”), over 474,000 people turned out to vote in the referendum in Sevastopol. Of course, this is kinda curious given that there are only 385,462 people of voting age in the area. But, it’s pretty hard to self-righteously criticize Crimea when America experiences its fair share of third-world voter fraud.
Heck, a lady who’s been dead for six years apparently voted in 2010, in Detroit. (Why let a little thing like death keep you from the polls?) Philadelphia saw a number of precincts vote 100 percent for dear leader Obama in the last presidential election. (I know… It’s kinda hard to believe no-one voted for Pat Buchanan.) Of course, Chicago has become a punch line for voting early – and often. But, heck, Crimea pulled this off without automatic mail-in-ballots. Imagine how high the turnout would have been with some Democrat-approved voter laws?
So I think it’s pretty obvious that some high-level Chicago voting officials have defected to the Crimea peninsula. Maybe OFA organizers helped to bus Russians into the area before the votes took place. It could even be possible that Putin, Crimea, and their puppet government called up Rahm Emmanuel for personal tips. (Because, heaven knows they wouldn’t call Blagojevich.)
Of course, Crimea’s 97 percent turnout seems a little high for a peninsula that has seen relative peace and prosperity under the anti-Soviet Ukrainian government in Kiev. But, it is also quite possible that Kim Jong Un gave Crimea a few tips on how to spur turnout in an off-year election.
Legitimate or not, the Crimea vote puts the Ukraine in a difficult position of defending its borders against an aggressive, incoherent, and (apparently) politically savvy geopolitical force. While Putin has mostly been glamorized for his shirtless horseback rides and Hunger-Game image in Sochi, he’s also one heck of a political chess-master. And he has the West (led primarily by President Barack “Neville Chamberlin” Obama) pretty much figured out. “Sanctions?” he laughs, while calling the US President a “comrade” and “prankster”. “Go for it!” he adds while locking up most of Europe’s natural gas behind the new-and-improved Iron-Curtain.
The Chicago-style vote in Crimea is only the beginning. While the West watches Putin gobble up the self-proclaimed “independent state of Crimea” with the efficiency of a Stalinist protégé, the rest of Eastern Europe is taking note. Double stuffing of ballots, 123 percent turnout, and laughable election results really don’t matter to a Russian who is watching the west implode from their own incompetency.
So, yeah: Crimea’s election was exactly what we would expect from a Russian-occupied corner of the Eastern Bloc… Like Chicago and Philly.
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