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Heil Harvard!
OPINION

Hey Conservatives, Who Gave Hillary the Secret Memos?

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.
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Author’s note: Please be aware this is satirical.

I am embarrassed and angry. Someone obviously leaked the secret memos to Hillary Clinton and some serious patch-up work needs to be done.

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For years, conservatives have been privately instructed on how to put into practice the fact that we all hate women. Those on the inside have been privy to these secret to-do lists and have been responsible for disseminating this information to those outside the circle of trust. These documents were supposed to have been treated with the utmost of care.

They obviously weren’t.

The two-pronged plan has always been to (1) pay women less in the workplace whenever possible and (2) make sure that healthcare is unavailable to them. The less-pay efforts have been largely successful – kudos to all of you who have done your part – but the doctor-denial efforts have been far less so. You’ll see women in almost every doctor’s office and hospital in the country.

At a speech in Ohio, Hillary Clinton said that the Republican candidates for President had views on women that are extreme and something that would be expected from terrorists. This is devastating. Last year’s “We Need To Be More Like the Taliban” workbook has obviously fallen into enemy hands.

Part of the grand plan for years has been to install a President who passionately shares anti-women views with the vast conservative base. With a huge collection of certified female-haters running, our greatest goals have been within reach. That now may not be the case.

In response, some have suggested a direct approach: videos showing that Planned Parenthood is really not about healthcare, directly calling out the fact that Hillary’s rhetoric is patently false, and more. I’m OK with these ideas and hope the conservative candidates will forcefully and passionately speak to this in a clear and convincing manner. We have to distract the country from the truth.

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The other red flag thrown has to do with illegal immigration.

In Minneapolis, at the Democratic National Committee convention, she compared conservatives to Nazis, saying that we want to round up illegal immigrants to ship them home in boxcars. This is concerning for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, everyone knows that conservatives secretly love the constant “conservatives are fascists/Nazis” assertions. It allows us to cover our true intentions with economic details that point out the statist nature of those systems. As Jonah Goldberg pointed out in “Liberal Fascism,” they are aligned with the far-left and repeatedly making that point hides our real feelings.

Hillary’s bold and direct reference to us being Nazis may indicate that the party is now over. She’s on to us.

Specifically related to illegal immigration, we have had limited success in making the point that America belongs to Americans. Love him or hate him, Donald Trump has brought the immigration conversation to the forefront of the campaign. Echoing the things that Ann Coulter has been saying, that the huge waves of illegal immigrants are a threat to the country, he has clearly opened us up to criticism.

The anchor-baby debate is also part of the problem. The clash over the meaning of the 14th amendment, for the first time in forever, indicated that serious questions must be addressed about how we go about deciding who gets to be a citizen. One very interesting fact that came out during this was that the U.S. and Canada are the only industrialized nations that allow birthright citizenship. Oddly, the left never mentions this.

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Conservatives have been saying that illegal immigration should be stopped by all possible means and that legal immigration policies should reflect a priority that allows entry to those who will be beneficial and additive to the country. This, of course, is just a smokescreen to veil the truth that we loathe anyone who isn’t born here and that our dream is a long train, packed sardine-like with immigrants and one-way tickets, heading south.

Hillary has obviously figured this out and is using it as a way to club us.

One thing I can say for sure: I was not the one who leaked the memos. Furthermore, my email server wasn’t hacked, either. The company that handles my server security has verified, by a quick look-see into their bathroom, that everything is locked-up tight and impenetrable.

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