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Every Republican Is 'Literally Hitler,' So Stop Caring What Libs Say

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.
Damon Higgins/Palm Beach Post via AP

When will Republicans stop trying to kick the Lucy’s football that is liberal approval? It’s never going to happen – no matter how soft, pliable, milquetoast, and Mitty you are, you’re always going to be trying to re-enslave black Americans, toss old people off cliffs, or destroy our democracy. But there is a solution to this problem.


Stop caring what liberals and their media toadies say. Be a conservative and make them pay.

It’s simple, effective, and much more satisfying than trying to get people who hate you to stop hating you.

It’s also more dignified. Look at Chimpy McBu$Hitlerburton. That was what they called George W. Bush back in the day. He was hardly hardcore – the guy was softer than a My Pillow and about 1 percent as based. But they hated him anyway, trashed him, slandered him, and even toobined to their assassination fantasies about him. But he was too gentlemanly to defend himself. Yet, once he retired to paint tacky pictures and began sucking up to the elite, he suddenly became a respected elder statesman. Now you have the Democrats positively orgasmic over his upcoming fundraiser for the doomed reelection bid of the Beltway Cowgirl Liz Cheney, who has likewise earned the temporary reprieve from the hate-tsunami by utterly betraying her fellow Republicans. 

So, you can buy yourself some time. The price is your dignity, but if you crawl around on your belly and lick the toes of your vinyl-clad leftist dominatrix – oops, I assumed xis gender! – you’ll get a little less hatred for a little while.

These indisputable facts completely dispel the argument that the problem with conservatives is that they are too scary, that they must be bland and moderate and bipartisan and not upset the erotically-forgone wine women of the suburbs who channel their sexual frustrations into liberal politics. The idea that we will win these people over by not standing up for anything is just silly; how many times do you have to have a plan fail before you admit it’s a failure, GOP? 


You can’t reach out to the illusory “socially liberal/fiscally conservative” voters because there aren’t any. You can’t be both – you always have to choose, and people who define themselves this way always choose “socially liberal.” What is the name of one such person who would ever vote for a tax cutter who also opposed abortion? Zilch O’Nobody. But every single one of them would vote for an abortion advocate who also wants to spend your great-great-great grandkids’ money on some commie Green New Deal crap.

That’s not to say that every Republican must be a Ted Cruz; you have to put someone up that can win. Maine wants a Susan Collins – you take the most conservative Republican you can get, and for Mooseland, that’s her. Just remember, though, no matter how reasonable and rational a GOP candidate is, he’s going to be portrayed as a mustachioed, aspiring Austrian housepainter who is on the verge of invading Poland.

Look at Glenn Youngkin, who is running for governor in Virginia against the one Democrat in the whole miserable commonwealth who (at least so far) does not have a black-face portrait in his portfolio. Of course, Terry McAuliffe has plenty of non-Jolsonian skeletons in his closet, and he’s tied closely to the desiccated old pervert across the Potomac who is proceeding to screw up every single thing he touches. Youngkin, whose name recently led a confused Lincoln Project to take an interest in him, is not as hardcore as I’d like, but he would fit the bill for blue Virginia under the conventional wisdom. He’s a business man, he’s not flashy, he’s quietly competent, and no one is going to come up with a video of him singing “Old Man River” in full minstrel show drag.


He’s a solid Republican candidate, and respectable in every way. He’ll make a fine governor. He’s measured and coherent, and not edgy at all. He does everything right, according to the Establishment. He should be getting a respectful hearing by the media because he represents what they say they want in Republicans – he’s sober, competent, not a fire-breather. And yet they are helping to smear him as the harbinger of The Handmaid’s Tale in Old Dominion.

To his credit, Youngkin refuses to care. He just keeps making his case, and it’s working – while Northern Virginians are generally dumb in the way only college-educated gentry types can be, the rest of the state seems to be rallying to him. The polls are tighter than Michael Moore’s jeans. Youngkin is giving the corrupt McAuliffe a fight, and he might just pull it out against the odds. In fact, the Dems are desperate enough to be running ads designed to gaslight us hardcore folks that Youngkin is insufficiently pro-gun. Of course, everyone is insufficiently pro-gun for us, unless he wants to make ownership of real assault rifles mandatory for every able-bodied citizen. 

We need to resign ourselves as a party to the fact that the media is our enemy. They don’t want safe and sane Republicans; they want broken and defeated Republicans. The media is a lying cabal of Democrat transcriptionists whose declining influence, such as it is, survives only thanks to the inertia generated by its past intermittent embrace of objectivity. Its credibility is running on fumes, Swalwellian ones.


We need to mock the media when we don’t ignore it. We need to be proudly conservative, not cautiously bland. You cannot simply simp liberalism enough to escape the hail of lies, so why degrade yourself by trying? Every living Republican is going to be Stalin + Mussolini x Genghis Khan. You thought Trump was bad? Well, just wait until you see the fascist nightmare that is __________________.

We can’t get wrapped up in the unfairness of it all – life’s not fair. But we can sure point out the lie to the unwoke folks with humor and determination and proudly offer them conservative solutions that have a proven track record of success. We can’t conform to anything the elite or the regime media wants, ever. That’s a loser’s game, and we need to be in this to win it.

Republicans, own your alleged perfidy! Be loud. Be proud. Be conservative.

Conservatives Must Stand Together and Fight. Join Townhall VIPAnd Check Out Last Week's Stream of Kurtiousness, The FBI Has 99 Problems and Right-Wing Extremists Aren't One. And my podcast, Unredacted.

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