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I Am Thankful For Many Things, Especially The Things That Make Stupid People Sad

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of
AP Photo/Patrick Semansky

On this special day, we should reflect upon the blessings we enjoy, and I enjoy nothing quite as much as stupid people who are miserable. There are a lot of stupid people who are miserable right now, and this is good. The misery stupid people cause themselves should disincentivize future stupidity – with luck, America will be burdened with less stupidity because of it. Think of it as natural selection of people who aren’t stupid.


But there are other things to be thankful for besides the pain dummies cause themselves as a result of their own dumbness. There are good things happening out there, though the media and the elite want to conceal them. You see them if you look – in the world, in our country, in your personal life.

There’s a lot to be thankful for, and it is right and proper that we be thankful. So, without further ado, here is what we should be especially thankful for at Thanksgiving 2019:

The Continuing Humiliation of the Fredocons: You know, it becomes clearer with every “Oh well, I never!” and every lame recitation of their liberal elite masters’ talking points about how the latest Deep State weasel’s testimony is a “bombshell” that these losers are never getting back the petty power and prestige they once possessed. The way to understand Never Trump is to see that it is solely and entirely the pathetic attempt of a bunch of has-beens and never-wases to reverse their firing as the leaders of the conservative movement by actual conservatives. Every day, these Vichy righties become less relevant and more pathetic, and thereby less likely to ever be in a position where they can lead us to failure and defeat as they did for the two decades before we fired them in favor of Donald Trump. Thanks!

Donald Trump: Imagine, if you will, living under the cold, smarmy dictatorship of Stumbles McMyturn. We knew about the staggering incompetence of our garbage elite – Iraq, Wall Street, girl Ghostbusters – but we never really understood the full extent of the corruption and rot until after the inauguration. We’ve seen a Deep State determined to undermine the will of the voters because the faculty lounge consensus at Harvard feels that promoting American interests is gauche. We’ve seen our intelligence agencies, which can’t do their actual job, meddling in domestic politics. We’ve seen formerly respected law enforcement agencies and the DoJ shamelessly push a dual-track justice system that protects the connected and persecutes the elite’s political enemies. Under Felonia Milhous von Pantsuit, this would have escalated; under Trump, the festering abscess that is our ruling caste has been exposed to the sunlight. She would have continued to marginalize and oppress us. Donald Trump stopped her, and probably saved this country from the violent conflict her tyranny would have provoked. Thanks!


Dogs: Be thankful for dogs, especially ones that try to rip the gonads off cowardly jihadi terrorists. Thanks!

Twitter: Imagine a marketplace of ideas where you can talk to thousands of other people just by typing in a few characters on your computer or phone. We all have beefs with Twitter, and too often its lefty functionaries put their soft, spindly fingers on the scales for their leftist pals, but the fact is that Twitter has created a forum for exposing liberal foolishness as well as communicating with, and organizing, fellow conservatives that has made our conservative populist rebellion possible. We isolated the gatekeepers by breaking down their walls. And it infuriates them. Thanks!

The Impeachment Schiffshow: Trump was always getting impeached. The thing is, the Democrats could have done it in a manner that appeared at least superficially fair. But instead they gave it to that weirdo Adam Schiff, whose googly eyes make him look like some sort of second-tier anime sidekick, and he has predictably turned it into a disaster. When after two weeks of testimony by bow-tied dorks, foreign-born schoolmarms who were totally “I’m with Her,” and the sausage soldier, the American people have chosen to respond with a significant increase in support for the president. Way to go, dummies. Thanks!

Economic Prosperity: You might not have heard about it, but we’re in a boom – though it is not the kind of boom the elite prefers because normal people are sharing in the benefits. The people hurt most by the greed and self-service of our globalist elite are finally getting their cut of the good times, and it’s magnificent. Unemployment for blue collar workers and minorities is the lowest in the history of ever, but hey – Trump tweeted something mean so we need to go back to malaise because of principles or something. Thanks!


The Senate and Cocaine Mitch: It’s weird to think anything positive about the Senate, but damned if it has not been a bulwark of freedom, as opposed to a Bulwark of otherwise unemployable cruise-shillin’ losers, by punching out judge after Constitution-reading judge under the stern guidance of the Murder Turtle. And if rumors about the condition of RBG, one of the few liberals I respect (for her toughness), are true, the Senate will soon provide the means to enshrine a pro-freedom majority on the SCOTUS for the first time in living memory. Just brace yourself for the chaos that will ensue. Thanks!

Chick Fil-A’s Cowardice: It pained me to see what had been a stalwart and independent voice of conscience cravenly submit to the left. Their spines turned out to be as boneless as their chicken patties. Of course, anyone with even the tiniest bit of wokeness could have seen what would (and instantly did) happen. As soon as the poultry purveyors groveled, the professional LGBTQ+X&#z8 malcontents started with more demands. This is why the only proper response to leftist agitators is to tell them to go Weekly Standard themselves. And while I despise Chick Fil-A for betraying the Salvation Army to curry favor with people who will always hate it, I am glad that I no longer have to eat there. I understand the sour grapes thing, but this is absolutely true – I had a chicken biscuit, which I used to love, the prior Saturday morning, and I thought, “You know, this really isn’t very good anymore.” I would have kept showing solidarity, but now I don’t have to. Chick Fil-A, take your mediocre grub and shove it up your Bulwark. Thanks, jerks!


The Salvation Army: I’m not a member of this church, but I am a supporter, and the fact that Chick Fil-A thought that by abandoning the charity organization that helps more  Please help the SA help others through my friend Hugh Hewitt’s Red Kettle drive. Conservatives properly want to get government out of the “helping” people business, so we need to be sure we’re doing our part to help those truly in need. The best way to say “Thanks” is by giving someone else something to be thankful for.


It’s finally out, in both Kindle and in paperback! Collapse is my hard-hitting yet occasionally hilarious sequel to People's Republic, Indian Country and/or Wildfire. The Kelly Turnbull novels have been hailed by Bill Kristol as “Appalling,” so get them all!

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