Opinion

Can Any Of These Democrat Goofs Beat Trump?

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Posted: Feb 14, 2019 12:01 AM
The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not represent the views of Townhall.com.
Can Any Of These Democrat Goofs Beat Trump?

Source: Doug Mills/The New York Times via AP

The only way the last couple weeks could have been better is if one or more of the Democrats announcing for president had moonwalked out onto the stage in blackface – oh wait, screechy scold Liz Warren actually did worse than that. She still can’t get past having pretended to be an American Indian, as her newly revealed Texas Bar application reaffirmed. Now, when I was admitted to the Texas Bar, it never occurred to me to try and score an edge pretending to be a Native American or anything else I’m not, and I bet in your life you’ve never sought some sort of unearned advantage via a cheesy ethnic masquerade. But, of course, Big Chief Sitting Baloney and her mouth-breathing tribe will call us racists.

Whatev. I just don’t want them to stop, because this sort of nonsense is making Donald Trump a shoo-in for 2020.

Look, the omens are clear that Warren will soon be sending up a smoke signal that says “I will fight no more forever.” Too bad – she would be a joy to run against. She reminds most normal people of that kind of hypocritical busybody who keeps yelling at you to use your inside voice. She’s like Felonia Milhous von Pantsuit without the common touch. Trump would have eradicated her candidacy like it was the buffalo.

**Pssst. For stupid people reading this, it’s funny because she’s not an Indian.**

Amy Klobuchar, whoever that is, chose a blizzard to announce her candidacy, which will focus on the danger of global warming. Oh wait, we’re not supposed to make fun of that because climate change is not weather. NOT WEATHER. Except when it’s really hot, and then it totally is weather. Sheesh, is it too much for us to expect that liberal hack politicians keep their lies straight?

There is one thing I like about Klobuchar, and that is that she abuses her staff of dewy-eyed young Democrats by, among other things, throwing binders at them and having them shave her legs. Good. Stupid liberal millennial strivers should suffer. Maybe pain will teach them that liberal politicians are hypocritical, hairy monsters who suck, since reason hasn’t worked.

Klobuchar has a name that evokes some intergalactic alien tyrant who has arrived here to enslave the human race – I am Klobuchar, take me to your leader…arrgh, it’s Trump! – which is appropriate because these aspiring socialists are alien (to a free society) and they definitely want to enslave you. She’s down with the Green New Deal, which seeks to harness the power of you to provide stuff for those unwilling to work. This seems an awful lot like slavery, except this bondage is wrapped up in all sorts of pretty lies about caring and sharing. And you will be doing all the hard work of caring and sharing.

Quick test: Name some proposal by the libs, any proposal, that will make you freer and will let you keep more of the money you earn. 

I’ll wait. Klobuchar will be president before you think of anything, and she ain’t gonna be president.

Beto O’Rourke is still out there for some reason, now carrying on a vendetta against walls. Apparently, walls kill people, which is weird because I thought the crisis du jour was that guns killed people. Don’t worry, he’s against you having those too. It’s all part of his campaign against inanimate objects. Of course, he refuses to take a stand against animate objects, like the illegal alien criminals robbing, raping and murdering Americans like you and your family.

These libs always side against you. Always. Let the criminals in, but disarm you, because too few illegal aliens and your ability to defend yourself are America’s biggest problems. Remember back when Democrats were the party of the workin’ man? Now the Democrats are the party of the non-gender specific being with a job in Silicon Valley or Manhattan, and the unwilling-to-be-workin’ man, woman or other.

No, Normal people like you don’t fit into the Democrat picture any more.

And then there’s Kamala Harris, who turned an affair with Willie Brown into an entire political career. She was a big fan of Tupac and Snoop in college, which she attended before Tupac and Snoop were whatever the hell they were. Oh, she smoked pot too, because she’s cool and the kids love their hemp and isn’t she relatable? Leave it to the Democrats to go all in on the one drug that makes you lazier, dumber and less interesting.

Their embrace of weed could inspire their 2020 slogan: “Democrats! We’re making all of America into Venezuela and all Americans into Cypress Hill.”

Note: Cypress Hill was also popular long ago but after she went to college. I think they are doing a gig at the Colorado state fair, and pretty much nowhere else.

And then there is Cory Booker, who is a vegan, as if you need to know more. His state of the union would be 25% on how we need to raise taxes, 25% on how the weather in a couple centuries will kill us all, and 50% on how tofu is just as tasty as a rib-eye if you cook it right. The only way he could be worse is if he was also into CrossFit.

And then there’s that other loser Democrat, John Kasich. Oh wait, he’s a Republican – he just supports everything Democrats support because True Conservatism™ is all about enacting the Democrat agenda for some reason. You might not have heard, but his father was a mailman. Anyway, maybe he can pair up with Jeff Flake, get the backing of Bill Kristol, and pick up all the loose votes from that selective demographic of Fredocons who still don’t regret voting for Evan McMullin. 

Both of them.

Look, the way the states are polarized means that any zombie Dem is going to get a ton of electoral votes. California will vote for whatever clown the donkeys nominate as part of its “hit bottom/keep digging” program. New York, which recently passed legislation to protect its citizens from the threat of viable infants, will clearly choose whichever pinko the party picks. But in the battleground states, will these glorified hamsters play? Nope. They’re selling no cars, no planes, no steaks, and abortions up until the time the kid can drive, except there will be no cars. Trump doesn’t need to do much to grab the vital center and win except to stand there saying, “Socialism? Really?”

My latest novel, Wildfire, and the earlier installments People’s Republic and Indian Country, chronicle a dark and scary America where half of the country abandons conservative awesomeness to go full Venezuela. And that’s exactly what this brigade of yodeling Bolsheviks proposes to do. But by catering to their ninny leftist faction, they risk alienating the people in the swing states who would have to pay the price for the Democrats’ pandering to the loonies.

And Trump’s going to be all over them pointing it out. The Dems can suck-up to their base or they can side with the Normals. They can’t do both.

Trump’s got the edge. We have six more years, and then we let Nikki Haley and Mike Pence fight it out with Don, Jr.

Oh, hell yeah.